to steal a line from both greg and jim anchower, it’s been awhile since I rapped at ya.
the bridge was out. my computer was down. I had a flat tire. I was trapped under the enormous weight of my white-trash-induced double chin.
okay, those are all lies – except for the double chin, thanks lisa – but the truth isn’t quite as interesting, since I imagine I’m hardly alone when I say I’ve been splitting my time between getting ready for christmas and sleeping the sleep of a grad student on an all-expenses-paid vacation to the land of nog. yesterday, no lie, I put 76,000 miles on my car! but it went quickly because I slept whenever I got to a quiet stretch of the 90.
so, yeah, sorry I’ve been slacking on the toybox, and sorry to all of you who hoped each day to be a featured part of my advent calendar. I’d resolve to be more entertaining for you, but I think I pretty much spent all my creativity on the post where I had to write in lisa’s part. next time I’ll just get her to write her own stuff. she really does call me old (wait ‘till she finds out I hurt my back picking up a keg last night – I’m supposed to avoid lifting with my back, and instead lift with my hernia, yes?) but she’s never called me an ignorant slut. not to my face, anyway…
so hey! it’s christmas eve! aren’t you all excited??? will anyone sleep tonight??? what do you think santa’s doing right now? loading his sleigh, or feeding the reindeer magic corn??? (maybe he’s making a few more x-boxes since you sure as hell can’t find them in any stores.) my family has hosted christmas eve for all our relatives since the first garvey cut down a christmas tree using the sharpened thigh bone of a velociraptor and this year will be no different. except for the velociraptor bone – d’artagnan has been out of those for awhile. right now, it’s about 10am, and if I put my ear to the ground, I could probably here the mighty rumble of my extended family getting closer.
which is my cue to make sure that keg is hooked up.
and just in case I get another flat tire, I’ll wish you all a happy christmas now. I hope you get everything you asked for in your letter to santa.
1 year ago