Monday, January 31, 2005

everything is out to get me

since the day I was born, I have waged a bloody and merciless war against inanimate objects. I seem to be losing.

certainly, the allied forces (me) haven't suffered the innumerable casualties of other great wars. my flattened pinky won a purple heart in the horrid battle against the banister, but has since healed enough to fight another day. after the infamous itchy-and-scratchy-esque confrontation with a rake, my skull was held as a prisoner of war for "...a few seconds before I came to." indeed, the only real fatalities my side has seen in this war were Pride and Dignity.

of course the good guys give as good as they get. the trail of dead rubix cubes, vacuum cleaners, and alarm clocks, however, have done little to deter subsequent guerrilla attacks from car doors, glue sticks, and my arch nemesis, the traffic light at delaware and delevan.

I'm sure CNN will break this story from the front-lines sometime today, but before you’re brainwashed by the inanimate objects' propaganda machine, I think you should know that a) the box of Smart Start threw the first punch, and b) the time-wasting harpy who is always telling me I can leave a message after the tone and then either simply hang up or press 5 for more options is surprisingly immune to my hexes.

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