Thursday, January 13, 2005

jury doodie, part II

day two. or day three, technically. or day 4 if you- nevermind. it's thursday and I'm still juror #11.

this absolutely sucks. I wish I could tell you more about the case, since it would be really nice to share the burden, but until the gavel comes down, just know that a) this sucks the ever-living ass of the world and b) you need to appreciate your life more. not in comparison to me, but I'd put good money on the fact that your life is the land of milk and honey compared to the two sides in this conflict.

THE FIVE B's OF JURY SURVIVAL:
1.) Bathroom breaks: don't need to pee? yes you do. no, you really do. bathroom breaks are akin to visitation rights for prisoners, if for no other reason than it gives you a change of pace. and also, these pee vacations happen on an irregular schedule, so think ahead unless you want to re-color the water in the jury pool. there's a "hung jury" joke in there somewhere, but I'm going to leave it alone.

2.) Breathe: seriously, you get so sucked into a testimony that you forget these things. 2b.) ignore the heavy breathing guy who is prone to whistle-boogers sitting behind you. I hate that guy...

3.) Boredom: bring something to read/do/eat/play/otherwise hold your attention. and for the love of God Almighty, stop looking longingly over my shoulder at my precious ipaq! get back! mine!

4.) Brown bag it: actually, screw that. I hereby proclaim that any calories consumed while serving on a jury are negated by the suckiness of said duty. go get chinese food or a hot dog. or both.

5.) Buffalo degrees of separation: here's a fun game to play after you've exhausted other mundane topics like movies, sports, and downtown parking. everyone in buffalo knows everyone else within two degrees. you work with my old college roommate. you shop at my uncle's store. you teach my sister freshman english. after this little adventure, I'm two degrees away from rachel dratch, and everyone else is at most two away from hillary clinton.

man, that’s it for today. one more thing – expect to be dead tired when you get home. can’t tell you why; just take my word for it.

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