Tuesday, February 15, 2005

the CYOA post

back in the day, I was the resident expert on Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. they were just like ordinary bad science fiction books, but with the added benefit of constant page flipping. what more could you want?

in fact, this may be where my love of cheating first developed. Just stay away from the “the end” pages, and you stay alive. here's an official toybox C.Y.O.A. to help get you through your week. feel free to cheat...

PAGE 1, Introduction: The hum of the medieval overhead projector was doing its best to lull you into a deep slumber, and since your official Peasant Graduate School coffee mug has been empty for a half hour, it seems to be succeeding. The lull of the projector is succeeding, I mean, not the mug. The mug isn't actually trying to do anything. Stupid mug. Your attention snaps away from the lazy-ass mug when the teacher, a visiting professor with a PhD in Peasantry and Feudal Studies, asks for your opinion on the reading. Everyone is staring at you!
If you want to employ the age-old tactic know as “bullshitting”, TURN TO PAGE 4.
If you want to answer truthfully, TURN TO PAGE 10.
If you can't read, skip to the back cover, and look at the pretty pictures.

PAGE 2: you acclimate quickly to the “real world”, even though putting on a tie every morning kind of sucks. And it doesn’t really go with your peasant robes. Despite the daily grind, you work your way up the corporate ladder and manage to sock away a tidy savings account. GO ONTO PAGE 3.

PAGE 3: One day, years later, two young students from the same school you ditched ask for loans for two different internet start-ups. You only have enough capital to fund one of the companies while still giving money to the institution set up to figure out why this paragraph wasn’t just completed on page 2.
If you want to invest in Company A, TURN TO PAGE 5.
If you want to invest in Company B, TURN TO PAGE 8.
If you want to save your money in hopes of one day being able to buy out the monarchy, TURN TO PAGE 9.

PAGE 4: Thinking quickly, you decide to play the BS card. "Well, professor, hitherto whereas the quid pro quo of obsolescence can unobtrusively coincide with the industry standard, vis-à-vis the queried nonissue, the concurrent gradation optimizes the eschewed antithesis, n'stuff." As the professor is praising your snow job, the king happens to walk past and offers you an internship. You'd like to hear the rest of the prof's praise, but a job sounds nice too. What to do?
If you want to stay in class with your empty mug, TURN TO PAGE 7.
If you want to take the king up on his internship offer, TURN TO PAGE 2.

PAGE 5: Company A, though initially identical to Company B, makes billions. You pay off your student loans and live out the remainder of your days sleeping with hot wenches. THE END.

PAGE 6: you work and work and save a little more coin each year. To see if you have earned enough to become king, TURN TO PAGE 9.

PAGE 7: Dumbass, never turn down a job. You are rightfully put to death. THE END.

PAGE 8: Company B, though initially identical to Company A, tanks. You are the laughing stock of the medieval econo-technology industry. For shaaaaaame. You die shortly thereafter while playing an extra in a martin lawrence movie. THE END.

PAGE 9: Nope, not enough money yet. To see if you can make more money, TURN TO PAGE 6.

PAGE 10: You read the material! You pay attention to your teacher and the other students! Why shouldn’t you get your chance to speak your mind, even though you might disagree with the author’s treatment of Advanced Dirt Farming? You boldly stand up and enlighten the class with your well-constructed argument. Then the teacher stands up and enlightens you on your failing grade. Didn’t you read the teacher’s PowerPoint? If you had you’d have had a more correct opinion. THE END


Anonymous said...

Awesome! I love choose your own adventures. Tough choices - jump off the cliff or not? eat rotting food or not? poke sleeping bear or not? Good way to quickly pass the last ten minutes of work! Thanks Garv.

Garvey said...

I'm here for you, sir. or ma'am. or whatever.

Scott said...

What about the page where you find Utopia that you can't get to from any other page? That was always my favorite, because it totally advocated cheating.

Esther said...

I got stuck on page 9 for hours...