Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Anatomy of a sucky fight sequence

I would have made an excellent action star. Obviously, just like every actor needs to have at least one good baseball movie, no actor worth his knickers can officially retire without one cheesy action flick.

My foray into the action genre would have set a new standard by combining all of the good parts of other good action, shoot-‘em-up movies. Think The Matrix meets The Transporter meets Blade meets Iron Monkey meets Charlie’s Angels, etc.

Don’t worry about plot; I’m more concerned with the action movie’s fight scene. You know the one – the ninjas or robot foot soldiers or Joker’s henchmen or whatever think they’ve taken the hero (me) by surprise, but actually I had been forewarned by my friend and mentor crusty old man who can still kick ass (maybe Brian Dennehy or Bob Hoskins). Naturally, the enemy elite were able to capture my whippersnapper self-appointed side kick (Shia LeBeouf, Topher Grace, or better yet, Audrey Tautou). As is the rule, Brian would have to say it’s a trap and they’ll be waiting for me. There’d be a close up on my face where I’d crack a smile for the first time in the movie and growl “excellent…” Cue techno music.

I was thinking something like Velocity Shift from Overseer or really anything by the Chemical Brothers. It would start right before the mandatory equipment preparations montage. Pistols? Check. Throwing stars? Check. Sunglasses? A must.

Back to the captors and young Audrey. They laugh maniacally, but only until I dropped in through the skylight, or, ohh! Wait! Better yet, I’d round the corner in slow motion, trench coat flapping in the wind, right as Overseer swelled and started playing really fast! Brian’s on a ledge above me, picking off stragglers with a shotgun. At some point, I’d kill a man with a boomerang, just because. Now the music’s really going crazy, as I pull off insane and impossible mid-air flips, punches, and headbutts. I’d have fought my way through the riff-raff, until there’s only the leader (a very buff/suave Tim Roth) and his wrestler-turned-actor body guard (Batista) who, for some reason, I’d have to fight bare-fisted. The leader, of course, I’d have to swordfight.

Add in a car chase, an explosion, comic relief, and a he’s-not-really-dead-he’s-just-in-hiding ending, and you’ve got yourself an excellent rental for shitty movie night.


Greg said...

The Leader must be connected to your past in a way, usually through your father (is your father, killed your father, etc).

When he lays this news on you in his icy English accent, it weakens you like kryptonite. Maybe the techno cuts out for a wailing blues riff on a sax as the agony sets in. But then you say something self affirming and continue with renewed vigor, and the bass heavy techno blasts back in.

Garvey said...

Totally. Bastard probably indirectly killed Audrey's dad too, and Brian's kids.

Scott said...

Before you get to the leader, though, there has to be a chief henchman with a gimmick killing method, which you defeat in a stunningly original way, making a pun at the same time.

Just my 2-cents.

Mark said...

Hey Garvey, I wonder why wasn't your last foray into scripted fight scense mentioned in this post? How did you get that scar on your finger? Maybe Mike Ragussa remembers.

Garvey said...

meh, I already did the "stupidest thing" post. and besides, I'm pretty sure the scars mean I lost that one...