Sunday, August 07, 2005

Before we pass out the harps, let's take a quick look at that inner monologue, shall we?

I have a theory about the first few days of the post death experience. I’m assuming there isn’t really any delay in the afterlife, since the whole space/time thing doesn’t have the same oomph it does within the current mortal coil, so you’re pretty much right there with everyone you know as soon as you step off the ferry.

Anyway, yeah, you’re judged. The good go up, the bad go down - that part I’m not really theorizing about. Beyond that, though, all I can think about is the shear nakedness of it all. You know the term: “bare your soul”? Well, it don’t get much barer than that. Everyone you know or don’t know, standing around, in full view of your true self. Every thought you’ve ever had and every thing you’ve ever done (good, bad, or boring) is laid out for a pretty big audience.

It isn’t as bad as I make it sound, I don’t think. For the first few minutes, there’s a lot of “I told you so!” being shouted as the dead can now look back on the past and see how that one event really happened. Or finally the feelings that were never really convertible into words or body language are immediately translated: “So, now you see how much I really loved that detective series with Tim Daly.”

But the worst part is the REAL show. Everyone lines up and, soul by soul, we all get hooked up to St. Peter’s movie projector, and every moment, from birth to death is played out for all to see. Well, not everything – the forgiven murders and infidelities and such have already been dealt with, so those are passed over here. But what is shown is every white lie ever told, and every bad thought ever repeated (mantra-like) about Fatty McGee in the next car over, and even every time I stole a circus peanut from the bulk section. Not the biggies or anything – nothing that would send a man to Hell – but certainly all the stuff that you’d usually like to withhold in the “baring of the soul”. I think your life does flash before your eyes, but also in front of everyone else. Think of THAT next time you mutter something ill under your breath about Bronson Pinchot or Linda Hunt or someone.

So why the rather morbid theories today, especially on the first day I’ve been to church in months (besides my wedding)? Just getting you all ready for that eternal day when St. Peter hooks me up and you all get to hear the ranting comedy routine that went through my head during the service today. In the front of the chapel, a sign said “The Parishioners Have Been Blessed With Many Gifts”. And I didn’t hear a word the priest said, simply because the “y” had fallen off that sign.

Let me tell you, I had to bite my tongue to keep that ranting comedy routine internal.

No comments: