Sunday, October 30, 2005

Perchance to dream...

I had an actor’s nightmare the other night. Those of you who have never really been on stage before might not know exactly what I’m talking about, but I’d bet the general feeling is pretty close to the I-showed-up-to-my-final-exam-late-and-naked dreams other people tell me about. I’ve never had one of those. If my brain wants to tell me it’s stressin’, it puts me in front of an audience in the wrong costume having never read the script.

Okay, yes, this is where my friends say “Whatever. You never knew your lines anyway.” Ha-ha. You’re all comedians, you are.

See, my brain takes that into consideration, and removes my ability to snow through it, a talent I was admittedly known far and wide for throughout the Canisius College Little Theatre. In my yout’, I could ad-lib in iambic pentameter, but in my dreams, I can barely utter a muted “du-u-uh” before peeing myself out of fear.

The odd thing is that I haven’t had many of these dreams since I last put the grease paint away. I usually had one or two during every run in college, and then I think I had a doozy when I was moving home from Chicago, but this is the first I’ve had since then, and truth be told, I’m really not all that stressed out right now.

Weird, huh? Can stress be latent? Could I be really worried about something and not be aware of it? Help me out, psych majors.

(By the way, in retrospect, the dream was pretty funny, even though it gave me the night-sweats at the time. So far as I could gather, it was about a Chinese food restaurant and the young waiters and waitresses who worked there. I think I was the guy who made deliveries to the restaurant, and a young BAstarter was the owner. Since we’d gotten so far away from the script at one point, we instead decided on the fly that the best way to entertain our crowd would be to play basketball using a cell phone as the ball. Yeah, I don’t get it either.)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Get your online gaming fix for free!

Dear law school professors:

My apologies for failing out of all of my classes, but I was too busy playing the online final fantasy mock-up. You know how I love them RPGs. If you have a few seconds to spare, check it out and I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s really much more interesting than anything you had me reading.

When you do sign up, send me a note – I’m the Knight called Superman. Oh, and if you aren’t really into those online games, sign up anyway because I get referral points if you use this link:

(Yeah, it's no World of Warcraft, but it's less annoying than Neopets, and just as free.)

your smartest student

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Like school on Sunday, I gots no class.

So, as we all know from my previous bitching, my schedule sucks for next semester. Four days starting at 8am, and only one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The only good part about it is the potential for a free Friday, but that depends on which elective I get. Here are my choices:

Windows on Health Law – I’ve heard good things about the prof, and considering how many health professionals I know, might not be a bad choice.

Lawyers and Business – The obvious choice. Or is it? I have an MBA, so one might think that would give me a leg up. But that also means a) I doubt I’d be the only one in there with any business experience and b) boring as all get out.

Gender, Law & Public Policy – ah, no.

Enforcing Environment Law – I have this prof this semester and “the devil you know…”. Besides, I’m somewhat interested in this area because I, well, I do like me some nature.

Melville and the Law – okay, how do I cross this one off the list harder than I already have? Melville??? Pftht.

Urban Development in NYC – this is an early front runner because we get to watch movies. And Rick Burn’s documentaries. And on top of that, since I haven’t entirely ruled out political aspirations, an urban development intro might not be a bad idear.

Power, Privilege, and Law – the description on this one says the class is mostly about class hierarchies and relationships. Pertinent, to be sure, but just not enough to really capture my attention for a semester.

So my job was to fill out a form ranking which three I liked the most, and they’d do the registerin’ part for us. My number one was pretty easy to pick. The New York class just spoke to me the loudest. We get to read Walt Whitman and F Scott Fitzgerald. We get to talk about the difference between NYC and Chicago. Excellent, one down.

Numbers two and three are more difficult. I go with the environmental law one for number two because I do like the professor and the description doesn’t look like there’ll be too much reading. For number three, I start to put down the business one, but just couldn’t bring myself to commit to talking about financial legal issues for a semester. If it were marketing, that would be an entirely different thing… but finance… ugh.

Believe it or not, I somehow slipped and my pen accidentally scratched what could be construed as “Melville and the Law” across slot number three. Yeah, I doubt it’s going to come to that, but re-reading the description, it actually sounded kind of interesting. As GOD AWFUL BORING as Melville is, the class is about the legal and historical ramifications on literature in general. I can deal with that for a few hours a week.

What's really important in life?

I may not drive fast cars or know the rules to croquet, but I'm pretty darn good at freecell.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Have it your way, in excess.

Giving you my post Sabres-game thoughts bullet-style seemed to work pretty well last time, so I think that’s going to become the norm. So here’re a few things I wanted to share with you following Saturday’s blowout against the Rangers (Also known as The Guys Who Wear The Same Uniform As Yagr, And Yagr). And thanks to That Guy finally getting off his arse and putting a rock on the hand of That Girl, this is the Bachelor Party Edition:

1. Oh the shit I ate. We started at Duffs where they had the audacity to start us off with a bowl of celery. You know what celery is good for at a bachelor party? A blue cheese spoon to go with your bbq wings.
1b. Then it was off to the game where I drank lots of crack beer.
1c. Then it was off to Pearl Street Brewery where I had more crack beer and handfuls of complimentary popcorn.
1d. Then it was off to Jim’s Steak Out because we poor boys (get it?) were simply wasting away with hunger. A philly cheese steak sub was really only rational at that point.
2. Despite the fact that we all got a good chuckle out of the “I’ve seen monkey shit fights at the zoo that were more organized than this.” lines (c’mon – we only lost Jason for half an hour tops, and anyway it turned out he was frantically chasing the drunk wagon, so no harm no foul), I have to admit that Keith went above and beyond putting this whole affair together. Renting the van from the A Team was truly a stroke of genius.
3. The guy at the PSB dressed up as Destro had obviously put a lot more effort into his costume than the guy who had simply purchased his Burger King get up.
4. Made LOTS of friends at the game, of course. The young girl behind us had evidently just learned how to curse, and was quite anxious to show off her mad swearing skillz to all our section. What a sweet little lass. As soon as I sat down, I was happy to see two forty something women in front of me, and oh I love this. Moms love me. If I haven’t been able to make the moms around me at a sporting event laugh by the halfway point, I’m just not trying at all. I got these to chuckle in the first period by making fun of the Yagr-hating crowd. Yeah, that’s right. I started with my A material.
6. Also, Old Man Lefty and I hit it off splendidly, apparently. I call him “Old Man Lefty” because he was an old man, sitting on my left. By the same logic, I could call him Nice Grandfatherly Guy Until He Starts Making Fun Of Middle-Easterners. Whoa, there, OML. I was ready to share some nachos with you, but that last remark about foreigners liking our sports was just a touch outside the pale. I mean, what if Canadians said the same about us?
6. I just realized that I misnumbered. That last one should have been “5.” “6.” Is actually my inability to count, which is really very embarrassing.
G. The groom to be and I talked at length about their upcoming honeymoon in Ireland. Though I would never trade Lisa’s and my honeymoons to Italy and Albany, I must say I was more than a little envious. Imagine drinking a local whiskey in the Waterford Castle?!? Good thing the groom is such an avid drinker.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Please comment! (But only if you know how to spell "xyflpo".)

Alright, you assmonkeys, you win. I’ll turn on the word verification system, but I won’t like it.

Happy now? I’ll bet you are. I’ll bet you’re already working on some program that gets around my little security measure. Can’t keep a good nerd down, they say. You’d write on my bathroom walls, advertising mortgage rates and discount dog food, if I didn’t have that little latch on the door.

I tried to wait it out. I love when people comment on the RT, and damned if I wanted to make it harder for those people to do so by adding that one extra step. Why punish them? And then this weekend I got eight spam comments? Eight?!? Are you joking? And three of them were for CELLO LESSONS. Yes, my friends, you have most certainly reached your target audience. Fuck those “experts” who said you should spend your advertising dollars on spots in, let’s say, cello magazines. No, you certainly made the right decision investing in whatever devil software it was that made it possible for you to post a link on my blog. Everyone knows I have a readership RIFE with cellists looking for a little improvement. Well done, dumbass.

To those who came before me – those pioneering bloggers who really set the stage, my apologies. I fully admit I’m a bandwagon player here. My guess is that the neighborhood was actually pretty nice and quiet before my contingent showed up. Did you even lock your doors at night before we moved onto the block? Seems by bringing a little popularity to the arena, we also insisted on bringing spammers. Oh, and now they make jokes about us on How I Met Your Mother. Sorry about that too.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Good thing I get to sleep in every day as soon as I graduate.

Just found out I have 8am classes every day o' the week next semester.

Oh, and my appetite's back. I'm famished right now. Bring on the butterfingers, I say.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

No more dry toast for me, thanks.

I’ve been a sick boy over the last few days. Well, “sick” for lack of a better term. Inflicted? Unwell? Less Than One Hundred Percent? It hit me first on Sunday when I got a nasty stomach ache, a total lack of appetite and a bit of a fever. By morning, the fever had broken, and my stomach felt better, but the thought of eating anything didn’t really appeal. Fine, fine, I thought and stuck with coffee.

The weird thing is that it hasn’t come back, my appetite. Well, not much really. I can count on one hand the things I’ve eaten since I got that stomach ache on Sunday, and not one of those things was a typical Garvey-sized portion.

I feel fine otherwise, and Lisa has seen to it that I’m at least getting my calories (mmmm… Slice!) so it’s not like I’m worried. In fact, I could probably stand to lose a few of those pounds that my recent addiction to Mighty Taco and butterfingers forces me to hold on to.

I just hope I’m back up to One Hundred Percent before Halloween…

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

No, here's to YOU.

  • Here's to re-found high school friends who now have kids.
  • Here's to Lemon Jelly for finally fusing the worlds of the techno-music geek and the stoner. (See if you can find their video to Nice Weather for Ducks. It's on Rhapsody.)
  • Here's to Lisa, who is probably still asleep since it's her day off. Here's to her also for putting up with me while I was deathly ill. Update: Lisa is not asleep - she just called me to say our internet is still out at the apartment. Here's to crappy Adelphia.
  • Here's to r for posting this. BWA-HA-HA!
  • Here's to Esther and John for letting me call them and bitch about how sick I was when it's clear they were much, much sicker.
  • Here's to my LR&W professor who doesn't seem to mind when I chuckle every time she says "duty".
  • Here's to finally blogging even though I have little to nothing to talk about. I did however, update The Cartoon Post with an actual clip of Robot Chicken. Major Funny's Hit.
  • Here's to KT, who turns 18 or something today. Though she's really not so good about letting people know about it, today is her birthday and here's to her.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Why must you tempt me with your extensive search advisor?

Think the ‘net’s just for porn and instant messenger (oh, and blogging)? No, no! Turns out lawyers use it too. And though I assume several of them could tell you their favorite porn site without thinking too hard about it, I’m actually talking about a program called Lexis Nexis, the glorified Google of the attorney’s universe.

And it is awesome. Too good, in fact. I’m actually having trouble learning how to research bits and pieces of the legal world because I know this deus ex machina is just a few keystrokes away. Statutes, case law, articles, etc. all connected and cross referenced to make sure your job as an intern is as painless (and thorough) as possible.

Here’s the catch though: those sneaky bastards give it to me for free so long as I’m a student, and then charge me up the wah-zoo as soon as I get my JD in hand. So here I am, knowing this grail is going to last only until my first lawyer’s paycheck, and instead I’m looking things up in these mundane tools called books. It’s like the librarian has given me an uncooked s’more and demanded that I toast it with two toothpicks and sheer force of will. And then she shows me that there is a microwave around the corner, but I really shouldn’t use it until I’ve “learned the ropes.”

And here’s Chapter 2 in my Lexis saga today – they give me reward points. For free stuff. I get freebies for using the addicting shortcut that won’t teach me any useful research tools and I won’t be able to use after I graduate. Oh, Lexis Nexis, you are the devil.

By the way, I have 2,060 reward points as of this morning. A PSP is 32,000 points, so I’m getting close!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

green eggs and spam

So I get spam comments maybe once every other post. Man, they piss me off.

Do they work? Are they effective? I mean, even spam emails sometimes reach the target market, but these spamments are akin to scribbling on the bathroom wall, right?

ATTENTION SPAMMERS: I want one of you to write to me. I am enthralled by the fact that you know people hate this, and yet you continue. I set up an email account – – and I want to hear from someone who thinks this is a viable way to advertise. Any and all communication will be private. (I don’t even know if there is a municipality to turn you in to, to be honest.) The fact is, I’ve studied marketing and this just flies in the face of most traditional (working) philosophies.

And here’s a message to you, Blogger – how have you not fixed this yet? Most of the people who spam my site have Blogger accounts! Ah well, the price is right, I guess.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

By the way,

Finally, I can combine my love of legal studies and video games. Now if only I liked Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

and it puts me in the mood for halloween

As Esther helped be point out, I have a professor who refuses to teach the class material. We’re 36 minutes into class right now. He was five minutes late. He spent five minutes talking about how a student’s question is stupid. He then spent ten minutes (seriously) talking about how we all want to be taught the “rules” when what we really need is a “feeling” of the material. The class is actually called “The Rules of Civil Procedure.” Sorry for my impudence, sir

So, I need a change. I need some good juju. In an effort to appease them karmic forces and maybe help out someone who’s really having a bad day, I’m going to donate platelets this afternoon. I’ve donated blood before, but I’ve never had the time (or balls) to sit down for two hours and have the professionals pull out those parts of my life-force they need, and put the rest back like so much leftover meatloaf.

I also shaved my beard off last week. Hi, I’m the 17 year old Mike Garvey, I look pretty funny, and Lisa gets a kick out of it, so I might stay clean-shaven for a little while. I forgot how much of a pain in the ass it is to shave that little part between my nose and my upper lip, but I refuse to just grow a ‘stash. Unless you’re Wilford Brimley or someone wearing a bandolier, you should not have a mustache.

So, hopefully, that’ll be enough. I changed my appearance, thus escaping any prior trespasses (it was the one-armed man!), and the new Mike Garvey is kicking off his existence by donating platelets to cancer patients. Now, come on, Karma, how about a little help with the civ pro?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe...

Just so’s you know…

Mom called from The South a few days ago. She came home today so I can finally post this without jinxing the trip:

Me (answering the phone): Hello? Ma, you there?
Mom: Sorry I didn’t call earlier. I had to deal with all these poisonous snakes and muggers.
Me: (beat) That’s not funny. That’s not a funny joke.
Mom: Oh I’m kidding. Grow up, you little girl.

Okay, maybe she didn’t say that last part, but she certainly seemed pleased with herself for poking fun at me in her first line of that little dialogue. Actually, she called back later and apologized. I honestly think there’s a fierce battle within mom, one side fervently wishing to mock her blogger son, and one side not wanting to offend anyone in the world. The former knows swear words I’ve never heard. The latter would make sure there were clean sheets on the spare bed if Hitler was her houseguest.

Anyway, supermom is home, so a hardy thanks to everyone for their crossed fingers. I’m told she’s safe and there’s a good chance my heart might start beating again sometime in the next few days.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Cartoon Post

I’m hip deep in reading about counterclaims in Civil Procedure right now, but I thought I’d sign on real quick to talk about something that we all know is very near to my heart: my favorite cartoons.

Man, there are a lot of them out there these days, and Lisa will tell you that I hate the VAST majority of them. I mean, why make a bad cartoon? I just don’t get it. I’m talking to you Turner - do we really need another episode of Ed Edd & Eddy?

But there are those meritorious few that keep me coming back for more. Creative beacons in the otherwise inky ocean of programming that seems more intent on selling turn based card games than entertaining me. The shows listed below are my favorites that you can currently find playing somewhere on television. They’re listed in no particular order.

Drawn Together – this is the show that prompted me to write this post in the first place. It is both hilarious and re-premiering on 10/19.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – I like to think I have a connection to this show because one of the voices and I went to the same acting studio in Chicago. But not at the same time. And we didn’t have the same teachers. Or take the same classes. In fact, never mind that – it’s a funny show regardless.

Family Guy – well, yeah, duh. I will say that I’m extremely happy that the new shows are as funny, if not funnier, than the first few seasons.

The Simpsons – well, yeah, duh again. Though the current stuff is not as funny as the first few seasons, I’ll still take whatever I can get.

Fairly Odd Parents – this might seem out of place, and I honestly can’t tell you why I like it so much. It just has a character about it that you don’t see in a lot of children’s shows right now. His teacher cracks me up.

Robot Chicken – is this a cartoon? Well, “animation”, anyway. Kudos to Green et al for crushing Captain Kirk’s nuts in a sliding door. UPDATE: here's a sample. God bless you, Google.

Futurama – I will never understand why people refused to watch this show just because it wasn’t as good as The Simpsons. Well, they’re right, it wasn’t. But it’s a fairly different type of humor too. And since it can be more plot driven than Groening’s other work, I think it’s just as much fun to watch.

Venture Brothers – Patrick Warburton needs to be canonized for this.

Now, if only we could get rid of Yu-Gi-Oh and put Invader Zim, Superman the Animated Series, Rocko’s Modern Life, Samurai Jack, The Tick, and Animaniacs/Pinky & The Brain back on the air, then we’d all be better off and I could get back to my Civil Procedure.

Friday, October 07, 2005

da na na na na na na na...... MA'SLAZAK!

I learned a few things at the Sabres game the other night.
Sports make me love America more, for one. I always get that patriotic warmth whenever I hear someone sing the national anthem, even in commercials. But when I’m surrounded by an arena full of already emotional people, naturally geared up with a competitive spirit, and I hear that Irish Tenor guy sing God Bless America, well, I dab at my eyes and start planning my presidential campaign. That guy has the voice of an angel.
The celtic flair actually began a few minutes before that though. Someone decided to kick off the first NHL game on that ice in 551 days with a full bagpipe orchestra (orchestra? band? gaggle?) Bagpipes always get me, too, and these guys didn’t fail. The troupe (troupe? army? contingent?) walked right out to middle ice, split in two and proceeded to play all the way through the crowd and out through the tunnels. It was a crowd pleaser. It worked.
I don’t know the exact reasons that Satan and Zhitnik left the Sabres for the Islanders (they were traded, right?) but everyone in Buffalo either hates them for that, or loves to “moo” at them whenever they get the puck.
And lastly, the Sabres are most certainly going to win the cup this year. All they need is DH (who Ks A) sitting behind the other side’s goalie.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

and not just because I don't know how to play craps.

Someone write to me and tell me why the Seneca Casino in Buffalo is a good idea. Seriously – I’m an advocate for just about anything that brings jobs and tourism to our hometown, but within reason.

Here is my thinking agin' it:

1. It isn’t going to bring in tourists. Back in the day, there were only casinos in Vegas and Atlantic City, so putting one somewhere outside those areas was novel. It isn’t anymore. There’ll be too much competition for this to be the catch-all solution for Buffalo.
1a. That means that the money this casino pulls in will be coming from locals who might otherwise spend it on Chippewa, or Hertel, or God forbid, Weg’s.

2. Yes jobs, but sucky jobs. The vast majority of the jobs that the Nation offers will be part time and minimum wage. Also, I’ve never worked in one myself, but I’m told the turnover rate for a casino like this is pretty fast. So not only are these new jobs going to be low-paying, but on average they don’t last very long.

3. Urban development can’t happen like it did in Niagara Falls, Ontario. I actually don’t know who owns that place, but I know that it’s on taxable land. That means that the Ontario gov’t is getting hundreds of millions of dollars each year in taxes that it can fold back into the community, making sure there’s still an opportunity for competition. The Buffalo casino will be Seneca owned, and not taxable. We’ll be lucky, I’m told, to get nine million dollars a year.

Look, I’m not against gambling – I like it. Mostly because I’m better at it than my brothers. My reasons against the casino are entirely economic. I’m actually ignoring all of the social implications, because I don’t think that’s something I can reliably argue (though, someone in Detroit or Niagara Falls, NY might be able to). I would really like to be okay with having a casino here, I really want to know that it is going to help my home, but I just don’t see that the benefit outweighs the cost. Give me your reasons for it. Comment here, or email them to me at

If you can convince me, I’ll buy the first round and then kick your butt at hold’em when it opens.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?

I hate to harp on this, but…


“…morning, Buffalo! You’re just in time for ninety minutes of Fucillo and The Barnes Firm commercials occasionally interrupted by your easy rock favorites! Thanks for listening to Buffalo’s only station that plays easy rock…”


“…at was the new one from Gwen Stefani that no one else in all of Buffalo has ever played. Now for that Green Day ballad…”


“…I’m telling you Janet, we need to get more naked men in here. Hey, I bet they’d love to dance to this new Green Day song with me. Guys do that, right?”


“…Well, hello there, Niagara Falls! You may have tuned in to listen to good music, but you live in Western New York, so we recently changed format. Instead, enjoy the next few hours of Rob Thomas and Jann Arden. We’re looking into getting John Tesh in here, and since we’re the only station in the world that plays this crap, don’t touch that dial. Please, in the name of God, don’t touch that dial…”


“…welcome to Rocktober, Buffalo! Hey, at least we aren’t Niagara Falls! Who’s up for making fun of people who drive? Huh? Yeah? People who drive? They suck man, all the morning shows think so. Okay, fine then, here’s some Puddle of Mudd…”


“It’s huge, Buffalo, HU-UU-UU-UUGE!”


“…Buffalo’s home for light rock…”


“…the Family Station…” *click* “…no rap or hard rock…” *click* “…all Zep, all the time! Unless we’re playing lawyer commercials.” *click* “…easy listening…” *click* “…station to painfully get you through the workday…” *click* “…like my fathers come to pass…”


Saturday, October 01, 2005


Just a few follow up points from yesterday

I cannot believe I forgot about Christopher Guest (bastard people), Monty Python (wafer thin), Napoleon Dynamite (gimme some of your tots), and yes, Swingers (make his head bleed).

I cannot believe none of us remembered Braveheart (I’m your uncle… Argyle).

Princess and Anon, John and I both agreed that The Simpsons has them all beat, followed closely by Family Guy. And then we spent another ten minutes shouting “beer beer beer, bed bed bed!” and “like the time I out-farted Michael Moore”.

Man, now I want to go and watch Swingers. If only we still had a projector and Canisius College Little Theatre Movie Nights…