Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Push butt to tical

Exactly four months ago today, I was setting out my tux and unwrapping a pair of superman cufflinks that my fiancé had given me. And then I got married and the remaining time between then and now have been totally boring and uneventful. Pftht.

The Four Month Anniversary, as everyone knows, is the Public Bathroom Story Anniversary, so in honor of that, voila:

The men’s bathroom on the second floor of the University at Buffalo Law School smells bad. I mean, I think they should market to Tupperware that room’s ability to keep fresh air from circulating in, because I’m pretty sure the poo smells that exist in that potty have been there since the dawn of time. People reading about Jesus v. Romans as a current event left a mark in that bathroom that lingers today.

Suffice it to say, no one wants to hang out in there any longer than they need to, especially me. So when I walked in this morning, I was faced with an ethical and hygienical decision. I’m a bit of a germ freak to begin with, so washing my hands is a must. Upon doing so, though, I noticed that there was not a scrap of paper towel left in any of the dispensers. Do I use the warm air dryer, or should I spend my time doing more useful activities, like poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick?

Here’s my thinking:
Good thing about warm air dryer: it’s environmentally friendly
Good thing about warm air dryer: it’s hygienically beneficial
Good thing about warm air dryer: let’s face it, I am an adult, and would rather not walk around with wet hands.

Bad thing about warm air dryer: THEY DON’T WORK. They simply give you a place to stand while the water evaporates from your hands. I’m telling you, it’s a placebo.

Besides, they take too long, and remember I’m in the stink-factory. I weighed my options and used the warm air dryer anyway. A few minutes later, my hands were still moist, and my mind was split between two thoughts: 1) those endurance tests they put you through in boot camp, and 2) the relative absorbent power of my pant legs. Yeah, that’s right. I’m man enough to admit that I ended up reverting to the tried and true childhood method of “wipe-hands-on-pants”, but I’m also man enough to admit that I carefully stayed away from my crotchal area, just in case anyone thinks I wee-weed on myself.

Happy anniversary, LG!

8 comments:

R said...

Isn't this the roll of paper towels anniversary?

Anonymous said...

If you really want the honey pot of UB Law School lavatories, try the unisex one on the 6th or 7th floor (I'm a little cloudy). Always clean, always quiet. To get there take the elevators in front of the library and make a right on the floor, it's tucked into the right wall.

Anonymous said...

1. that was the sweetest anniversary tribute i've ever heard.
2. i bet you ANYTHING that that last post was from my future husband (IN 10 DAYS, EVERYONE!) b/c he made it his honorable duty (HAHA i said duty in reference to a toliet post) to hunt, find and destroy any and all quiet bathrooms on the UB campus. What getting a undergrad and masters degrees from the same school does to people. really.
3. upon rereading this i realized i have absolutely no idea when the appropriate time is to use capital letters or correct spellings. i am awesome.

Jess said...

in all seriousness, I just recently decided to follow the directions on those things and rubbed my hands together while the blower was on. to my lasting disbelief, it worked. oh, the time wasted.

Peter said...

Best thing about warm air dryer: that wonderful noise! I LOVE white noise. The sound of a warm air hand drier is music to my ears. I'm not kidding. That's why I've always loved them.

Garvey said...

It does tend to cover up other noises you might hear in the men's room.

Kim said...

This is the first time I have visited the world of the blog...something I've been meaning to do, and today, I have found the right moment to procrastinate from other studies and explore this world you all call blog...And, I love a bathroom story. Anything inclusive of bathroom stories deserves some attention. You know what I like about those dryers? The magic. I turn that baby on, start rubbin', my mind wanders, and like that...dry. I don't think they take that long...I think you all may need to try a little daydreamin' while you rub.

Garvey said...

Hi Kim! Welcome to the Royal Toybox! And, by the way, thanks for opening this thread up to all kinds of masterbation jokes.