Tuesday, January 31, 2006

If you wanted originality, you certainly wouldn’t be reading the RT.

What the Hell? “He’s calling from inside the house”????? THIS is what passes for new movies now? No! Bad dog! You do NOT use a gimmick so over-exposed it was actually once used as a joke in a BEER COMMERCIAL.

To the producers of When a Stranger Calls: congratulations on your new movie. Though I haven’t seen it yet, I am impressed by your decision not to waste time coming up with something that isn’t just an old idea, but is actually a cliché of an old idea. Let’s face it. These stories have stuck around for a reason! And anyway, you can much better use the money that would go to writers on new boobs for your female lead and of course marketing interns to help you convince a skeptical public that indeed your masterpiece does have some redeeming qualities.

I also look forward to your next feature. To get you started here are a few ideas that are just as fresh as that used in When a Stranger Calls:

Hook-hand on the car door!
Guy wakes up in bathtub of ice – liver missing!
A magical monkey’s hand that grants wishes!
A man dresses up as a woman!
An animal who finds his way home!
Rob Schneider in, well, anything!
Romeo and Juliet!
Something symbolizing Christ!

If you need further guidance along the same lines as your current movie, just open up any forwarded email that’s been sent to you more than once in the last five years. And don’t be afraid of words like “hackneyed” or “unoriginal” or “when I saw the preview to your movie, I thought it was a commercial for a cell phone or something”. Despite our fussing, we the public certainly can’t be bothered with processing anything different from the tried-and-true. You’ve gotten it right, my friends. You and radio stations in Buffalo, NY.


Scott said...

You forgot Martin Lawrence using ethnic humor in your list. To quote my favorite movie review site:

"You see: A premise rife with lame comedic possibilities, all of which Big Momma’s mines more diligently than a four-year-old rooting for an undiscovered nose goblin, and like that toddler, Lawrence has no qualms with giving it a good stare down before popping the snot-flavored giblets of comedy into his mouth and swallowing it to the immense displeasure of his audience."

Johnny said...

In addition to being a remake, the original movie was horrible, too.

Greg said...

The call is coming from inside your pants!! Get out of your pants! Now!!!