Dear Mr. Garvey,
First, thank you for your manuscript submission. It is obvious that you put a lot of effort into your book, “Mike Garvey: the True Story of the Rock Star Astronaut Who Invented Cheese and Beat Up a Caveman”. Unfortunately, considering the current circumstances surrounding falsities in auto-biographies, we have decided to avoid any work that pushes the envelope of believability. Your work, though a wonderful read, not only pushes the envelope, but knocks it down and kicks it in the mangos.
Indeed, Mr. Garvey, you have a true talent for story telling and though our fact-checkers have yet to get back to me on any one of your 74 chapters, I honestly believe that your tale needs to be shared with the public at large. Surely, this generation would benefit from hearing about the man on whom Indiana Jones is based, especially when that same man survived underwater for two hours, just to prove that it could be done.
In the spirit of improvement, I offer you the following advice. Please don’t take this personally, but you could benefit from the perspective of a publisher who may or may not believe that you once won the Daytona 500... on a horse:
1. In chapter 23, you discuss at length how you lived your entire life without the benefit of electricity, but then chapter 48 is titled How I Invented Electricity. You may want to go back and see which of these is more not-a-lie.
2. I don’t believe for a second that you’re next in line for Buddha’s job.
3. The section in which you talk about how you managed to thwart a political assassination, effectively securing the alliance between two countries sounds suspiciously like an episode of Deep Space Nine. The tip-off was that your friend Odo was there.
4. On page 337, you write “Then I killed the hooker in a blind, crack-addled rage with the help of Tangalina Tolie (name changed to protect the identity of this extremely famous and hot person).” First, I’m guessing the average reader, not to mention Ms. Jolie’s lawyers, can guess the identity of your partner in crime. Second, I’m guessing this never actually happened.
5. Speaking of lawyers, I checked with our legal department and it turns out that the disclaimer you included on the last page: “By reading this sentence, the reader hereby agrees not to call the author a liar or remove him from your Oprah’s Book Club list…” would indeed not hold up in any court, ever.
6. A monkey sidekick? Really?
In conclusion, Mr. Garvey, we recommend you either switch over to fiction or take a job in politics. (Sorry… “publisher” humor.)
Stupid McJerkmore, AssFace Publishing
(name changed to protect the identity of this publisher who has terrible taste)