A recently married couple develops nonverbal communication. I’ll translate:
Lamaze Instructor: “Hi everyone! Welcome to tonight’s class, the last of five! Tonight is ecspecially important for all our new mommies and their coaches because...
Me: squeezes hand. <Did you catch that? “Ecspecially”?>
Lisa: squeeze back. <Yeah, we’ll have to let Phoeby know. She’ll ecspecially appreciate it.>
Lamaze Instructor: “So when you’re installing the car seat for the baby, you really have to get it in tight. Don’t be afraid to lean on it with your knee.”
Me: squeeze? <Did she mean lean on the car seat or the baby? And by the way, aren’t you impressed I was able to put a question mark on a hand squeeze?>
Lamaze Instructor: “Another great product you mommies should look into is called ‘My Brest Friend’, which helps support the baby.”
Me and Lisa simultaneously: squeeze! <She said breast!>
Lamaze Instructor: “And again, when you’re again holding the baby and it’s after the bathtime, you can hold both she and the towel so to keep’em warm.”
Me: squeeeeeze. <This poor girl. The Buffalonian compulsion to hack the English language into so many bits of pulp runs cold through her veins. Please hold my bottle of water whilst I wipe the blood that’s now seeping from my ear drums.>
Lisa: squeeze. squeeze. <Yes dear. Isn’t it nice that we’re so perfect?>
...five hundred billion laters later...
Lamaze Instructor: “So we’ve gone over just about everything I wanted to get to tonight, but just to be safe, let’s take a few questions...”
Me: (wondering how to convey the fact that we need to get the hell out of there so we can get some ice cream.)
Lisa: SCRATCH. SCRATCH. SCRAAAATCH! <We need to get THE HELL out of there so we can get some ice cream.>
2 years ago