Saturday, June 03, 2006

The DaVinci Post

SPOILER ALERT: I called around and it turns out I’m one of three people in the history of the world who didn’t read The Da Vinci Code entirely. Lisa is one of the other two. The last guy, Bill from Idaho, has a medical condition that prevents him from reading anything but blogs. Bill, if you want to be surprised by the movie, skip this post.

Last night, Lisa and I went to see The Da Vinci Code (aka: Jesus Knows Best), the major motion picture which was based on the book, which was based on the myth, which was based on the religion, which was based on people who decided bacon wasn’t really that bad. The premise of the movie, so far as I can tell, is that Jesus hates albinos and only tolerates Alfred Molina.

Okay, not really, He loves Molina, especially when he was Snidely K. Whiplash. The premise of the movie is actually that Jebus did the divine with Mary Magdalene, and subsequently had “God III”, a fact that somehow everyone in the whole church knew, but decided not to talk about because then who would be willing to pay tithe? Evidently, kids are evil. Not to change the subject, but mine is due in 6 weeks!

Here’s the real shocker from the movie: I liked it. Actually, I liked it a lot. It was campy and far fetched, but damned if it wasn’t really entertaining. Look at the elements: Tom Hanks at his best since Bachelor Party. Jean Reno (whose resume simply says “If you’re doing a movie that is at all French, you must, by law, hire me.”) And let’s face it, if Ron Howard directed traffic through an intersection, I would pay eight bucks to see it.

(I thought up that last sentence as we were leaving the movie last night and tried it out on Lisa. She’s already told her mom, so sorry if it wasn’t as fresh the second time, Ma.)

If you do go to see it, make sure to smuggle in a bag of microwave popcorn, oh and don’t forget to bring along your willing suspension of disbelief. Like any mystery story, there are a few plot-holes you’re simply going to have to ignore. Here’s my favorite:

Let’s say Jesus did have a kid. Who had a kid, who had a kid, etc., right up until today. Now, unless The Divine Christ Powers include turning water into wine, giving the blind sight, waking from the dead, and sticking to only one child per generation, how is it that Amélie is the only living descendent? Yeah, my math isn’t very good, but follow me here. Let’s say the average generation is, what, 30 years? Then over two millennia, that’s about 67 generations. Pretend also that each subsequent direct descendant had an average of 2 kids, just to keep the maths even. That means that today, Daddy Christ would have 73,786,976,294,838,200,000 young’ns running around. (Check it out – excel does not lie.)

And all but three of them have read The DaVinci Code.

2 comments:

mary said...

i didn't read it either. we all know i'm not really into the whole "reading" thing. but the movie was good :)

Scott said...

Make that five, but I guess the Audiobook counts as 3/4, so forget it.