Thursday, May 31, 2007

Personal Ursula

Boy, when your mom starts making fun of you for not blogging, you know it’s time to either blog more or less. In my case, I don’t know if I can blog any less, so here I am.

And actually, this won’t be a real post either, since I’m too busy for words. Let me bring you up to speed, bullet point style:

  • School ended well. Grades are so-so: better than I expected in some areas and worse than I expected in others.
  • Work is teh awesome. I’m really doing real lawyer stuff for real. In a minute I’m going to go and get another coffee, just a like a real lawyer would. Success!
  • I killed a big red spider in our bathroom. It was big and red. And did I mention it was both big and effing red? I had to look it up online and it turns out it’s totally harmless except that it’s big and red.
  • Studio 60 is back for 6 more episodes! Someone’s been listening to my prayers. It might have been God, but I doubt it since He’s the one who created big red spiders.

Also, go here and read my guest blog appearance on Phoeby and her friends. Not really much of a post, just more of an announcement. A happy announcement. It’s all good. Go there if you want to squeal and say “yay for babies!”

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Desperate times call for cliché movie references.



Dear Sabres,

You're a better team than they are. But more importantly, you're a better team than you've been recently. If you raise your productivity to around 1/100th of your potential, you can not be beaten.

XOXO,
Mike Garvey

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The princess is not here either.

Congratulations. You have made it to the end of the semester. Now only your exams stand between you and summer vacation. But before you can complete your exams, you need to study.

You are standing in the hallway outside the law library. There are students everywhere. The lounge chairs to your right predate the concept of “law”.

What do you want to do now?

> GET COFFEE
You approach the snack bar, but are told they won’t open for another half hour. Yes, even though it’s exam week. No, you aren’t having a nightmare.

> LEAP FORWARD IN TIME HALF AN HOUR
Unfortunately, you opted to go to law school, not Hogwarts.

> GET COFFEE
You can’t do that yet.

> EFF
I don’t understand your command. What do you want to do now?

> TALK STUDENTS
They don’t talk to you because of your haggard looks.

> TRIM BEARD
You now look like ZZ Top.

> TRIM BEARD
You now look like Isaiah Edwards.

> TRIM BEARD
You now look like Al Borland.

> TRIM BEARD
You now look presentable.

> TALK STUDENTS
The students tell you they’re undergraduates who would rather “hang” in your library because it’s quieter and the wireless signal is better. They will inevitably chat and eat baby carrots within your earshot. You despise them.

> DISTRACT STUDENTS
You throw a wine cooler, a bootleg copy of Harold and Kumar, and three dollars in quarters into the quad and slam the door after the undergraduate students dive for them. The grad students rejoice.

> GET COFFEE
You get coffee.

> DANCE
You cut a fine rug.

> EXAMINE INVENTORY
You look in your bag and see: coffee, books, ipod, laptop, cell phone, antacid, highlighter, goblet.

> ENTER LIBRARY
You do not have all the necessary items to be a real law student.

> GET TINY POST-ITS
You now have all the necessary items to be a real law student.

> ENTER LIBRARY
You enter the library. Librarian is here. Students are here. A public study area is in front of you. Private study rooms are to your right.

> GET PRIVATE STUDY ROOM
They were all taken while you were getting coffee.

> STAND BY DECISION
Done and done.

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> CHECK EMAIL
You check your email. You so popular.

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> READ BLOGS
You read all the blogs you can think of, and then some. You resolve to blog more often and to be funnier. In the meantime, you post a picture of daughter.

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> UM, GET COFFEE
You go for a refill. When you come back, all your possessions are still there. Phew!

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> TALK TO STUDENTS
You talk to a group of 2Ls who are in your Sales and Secured Transactions class. Yes, you’ve been studying all morning too. Yes, of course you included Chapter 4 in your outline, duh. You all take break to go and get coffee.

> ADD CHAPTER 4 TO OUTLINE
Yeah, that’s probably for the best.

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> LISTEN IPOD
You can’t do that. Since you haven’t charged it in the last forty minutes, the battery has died.

> LISTEN PANDORA
You can’t do that. The wireless signal is too weak.

> LISTEN LAPTOP
You pull up iTunes, plug in your headphones and listen to Christina Aguilera. But if anyone asks, you’re listening to, well, anything else. Shut up.

> STUDY
You can’t do that yet.

> BLOG
You are witty and insightful. Take that, Buffalo radio stations.

> STUDY
You can’t do that. The library is closing in ten minutes.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

My thoughts. Let me show you them:

1. God bless them Sabres! I went to game five against the Rangers and it was, far and away, the greatest sporting event I’ve ever attended. Like a Disney movie it was.
2. I suppose I should bring everyone up to date on the job search for the summer. I decided to go with the final job offer, which I can’t say much about, except that it’s with a corporation that is not a law firm. It’s huge and it’s HQ’d in Buffalo and I’m blessed, BLESSED, to have it. The money is good too, but that’s just the creamy whipped topping on an otherwise delicious dessert. I start on May 23rd.
3. Dr. Annie reads my blog every day, but never comments. Hi Annie.
4. It’s exam week! One smallish exam on Wednesday, a paper due on Thursday, and the gut-wrenchingest, ball-breakingest, anus-violatingest tough exam on sales and secured transactions is on Friday. And I’m pretty sure I’m underestimating that last one.
5. Uncle Dan, who is never slow with a one-liner, also reads the RT. He’s the local hero who was shown on national TV right after the Sabres won in game five’s overtime. Hi Dan.
6. I went to a wedding recently where costumes were mandatory. Now YOU may be an expert on etiquette and YOU may know the proper way to dress for costume weddings, but I was lost. Do I go all out and dress as, say, “Mr. Incredible”, or do I wuss out and go as, say, “wedding attendee”. I picked a middle ground and went as Clark Kent, complete with fake glasses (thanks to a kind uncle) and a press pass, thanks to my mad vizual artz skillz. And since a google search of "clark kent press pass" was of no help whatsoever, I give to the world my insta-costume. Just add suit, fake glasses, and mild manner:

Friday, May 04, 2007

Please leave a message at the [expletive deleted].

“Hey Lisa, I’m just on my way to the library from work. I have a shit-ton1 of studying to get through, but I just wanted you to know I love you and miss you and blah blah blah2. Give me a call if you get a chance because if you can meet me for lunch that would be Hi Jen! that would make my day3. Man, it’s beautiful out. You should tie Maeve up in the backyard for a bit and just get drunk while tanning yourself for the afternoon4. That’s how my mom raised me, so it’s damn well good enough for Maeve. So, yeah, give me a call when you get…5 this, um…6 oh shit, waitaminute7. Beeeep. Booooop. Beeeeep. Ah, FUDGE!8

*click*

1This is a technical term used by lawyers who want to sound cool enough to swear but actually have no idea of the exact amount, other than it’s a lot.
2This is a technical term used by husbands who want to sound poetic, but, well, are dumbasses. They use this term a shit-ton.
3I passed my friend, Jen, partway through this sentence. She said “Hi” back, by the way.
4I don’t condone child abuse or neglect. Drinking during the day, yes, but abuse, no.
5At this point, a realization began to settle in, then…
6here’s the denial, then acceptance…
7and finally here’s where it really hits me that I was calling my mom, and not Lisa and that I was actually leaving a message on my MOM’S PHONE, and not Lisa’s and HOLY SHIT I think I was making fun of my mom earlier during this message and what button do I press to erase and re-record?!?!?!?
8But I didn’t say fudge. I said four letter words. Many of them.