“Hey Lisa, I’m just on my way to the library from work. I have a shit-ton1 of studying to get through, but I just wanted you to know I love you and miss you and blah blah blah2. Give me a call if you get a chance because if you can meet me for lunch that would be Hi Jen! that would make my day3. Man, it’s beautiful out. You should tie Maeve up in the backyard for a bit and just get drunk while tanning yourself for the afternoon4. That’s how my mom raised me, so it’s damn well good enough for Maeve. So, yeah, give me a call when you get…5 this, um…6 oh shit, waitaminute7. Beeeep. Booooop. Beeeeep. Ah, FUDGE!8”
1This is a technical term used by lawyers who want to sound cool enough to swear but actually have no idea of the exact amount, other than it’s a lot.
2This is a technical term used by husbands who want to sound poetic, but, well, are dumbasses. They use this term a shit-ton.
3I passed my friend, Jen, partway through this sentence. She said “Hi” back, by the way.
4I don’t condone child abuse or neglect. Drinking during the day, yes, but abuse, no.
5At this point, a realization began to settle in, then…
6here’s the denial, then acceptance…
7and finally here’s where it really hits me that I was calling my mom, and not Lisa and that I was actually leaving a message on my MOM’S PHONE, and not Lisa’s and HOLY SHIT I think I was making fun of my mom earlier during this message and what button do I press to erase and re-record?!?!?!?
8But I didn’t say fudge. I said four letter words. Many of them.
2 years ago