Wednesday, October 31, 2007

You have eyeballs. I have pictures and a blog.

Mo requested more pictures. And honestly, it's been a while since I really bragged. I’m a dad. It’s my job.

Watching Diego is tiring. Luckily, Dad makes for a comfy armchair.

We made it to the Bidwell Farmers’ Market a few times this past summer. Maeve and Julia got to walk around more and more as they became ballsier and their parents became less parenty.

Julia: Dude, what are you doing?
Maeve: Eating a flower. Or putting it up my nose. Haven’t decided yet.

Maeve is a player of games. Nothing on earth is unavailable to her when the mood to play peek-a-boo strikes. Napkins, teddy bears, plates, uncles, and yes, product placements.

This pic was taken during the floor show at Miles' Christening. Man, life is GOOD:

Taken later at the same party. Julia looks just like her mom to me.

I can make Miles laugh!

He's pretty good at making me laugh too:

Okay, on to the main event. Lisa and I were limited in our Halloween choices. I have a beard and she has a baby in her belly. Pimp and unlucky prostitute? Nope, it’s been done. Neighbors Joe and Bonnie from Family Guy? Didn’t have the wheelchair.

We landed on middle ground and went as Earl and Joy from My Name is Earl. Yes, I had a list of sins in my pocket. Yes, one was shaving everything but the porn star ‘stash.

Wanna see the cutest monkey EVER? Done and done:

Aunt Mary dressed up as Dora the Inebriated.

Cousins Julia and Miles rounded out the gang by dressing up as a kitty and a penguin. Otherwise known as two of my favorite Batman villains.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


It's my youngest sister's birthday! Go to Mary's blog and wish her many happy returns. The address is:


Mary and I were separated at birth, and then we both went to the same summer camp and saw each other and everyone was like "No wai! you totally look teh same!" except that she had an english accent and I didn't and we hated each other at first, but then came to realize we were really more the same than different so we hatched a plot (a trap, if you will) to get our parents to fall back in love with each other and get re-married and our dad is Dennis Quaid.

I'm pretty sure she turns 14 today, but I can't keep them all straight. Happy birthday regardless, sistah.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Sometimes you're the bear. Sometimes you're the picnic basket.

There are days when I feel like I can take on anything single-handedly. Other times, I feel like Barney Bear going up against his hungry cousin and the world.

Today is really somewhere in the middle, but by week's end, the park rangers will probably be here to cart me off. Five days and counting until the MPRE...

(Dear Nick Hoffman, I hope you watch this cartoon and it pisses you off as much as it did when we were kids. Neener neener, Garvey)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Guy Smiley, Car Salesman

For various reasons, Lisa and I have decided it’s time to trade in the tracker for a new set of wheels. Yes, my choices are all SUVs, or “CUVs” as all the cool marketers are calling them today. But don’t worry, environmentalists. I plant trees.

So far, here are the cars I’ve looked into, in no particular order, except now that I’ve written them out I see the first three start with an “E”. Don’t read anything into that:

The Ford Escape
The Honda Element
The Chevrolet Equinox
The Nissan Rogue
The Hyundai Santa Fe

Escape: this has been neatly at the top of my list ever since my-sister-who-does-not-have-a-blog got one. It’s large enough to be comfortable, but not so huge I feel like I’m soccer-momming around in the Titanic. They’re safe, they’re not too expensive, and reliable. Satellite radio is an option.

Element: has the highest cool factor. It’s ugly as sin, but I don’t care. For some reason, my body type isn’t really a huge priority for auto manufacturers. Getting into a car, for me, feels like getting into a) one of those plastic eggs that pop out of vending machines, or b) lying back on a luge sled. The Smellement, though boxy, just looks damn comfortable to me. Satellite radio is an option.

Equinox: do we really want to be that family with two of the same car? We might. It’s a great car. Satellite radio is an option.

Rogue: must... buy... rogue... product placement... so effective... “It’s a billion dollars, you say? That’s fine. I want to drive whatever the cheerleader from Heroes drives.”

Santa Fe: my brother in law has one. I like the size, I like the power, I like the comfort. Does well with two kids in the back. A bit pricier that the above options, but you definitely get what you pay for. And, of course, satellite radio is an option.

Okay, as of this morning, the Rogue is off the list, despite Nissan’s vast, multi-tiered, blitzkrieg marketing campaign. Here’s why (and I swear not a word of this is made up):

ME: (phoning a local dealer) Hi, I’d like to test drive a Rogue.
HIM: A Rogue, huh? Great car. I can’t keep them on the floor long enough, though, since their SO popular.
ME: (beat) Really. Huh. Well, what are the chances I could take a look at an SL with the Premium Package?
HIM: Oh, man, you aren’t going to believe this, but I have one rogue left on the lot, and that’s exactly what it is.
ME: Yes, I’m full of luck.
HIM: But you’d better come in as soon as you can because I have a couple coming in this afternoon to look at it. What’s your number just in case I need to reach you?

Okay, that last line was made up, but the rest actually happened. I mean, really?

But whatever. It didn’t start with an “E” anyway.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007

Just so you know, I won The Weekend.

Not against you, no no. You might have had a much better weekend than I did. I just mean I won the weekend as against the Fall Open House. It did not kill me, ergo I won the weekend.

I’m not sure how much I’ve really talked about this on the RT, but I’m paying my way through law school with a graduate assistantship here at the university. I’m the assistant to the guy who plans the two annual open houses (I’m not the assistant regional manager, but close enough). That means two weekends out of my scholastic year are particularly, ball-breakingly hectic. But I reiterate: “...paying my way through law school...”

So this past weekend was one of those weekends. I was up around 4am, and on campus by 5:30 (I’d lie and tell you I was here at five, but Sara knows the truth and would rat me out while she extends her Starburst wrapper chain). I was done by about 4pm, and drinking by about 4:00:01pm.

This event actually went pretty well, all things considered. The guy I work for has it set up like clockwork, so really my job on the day-of is likened to an artistic director who is also a firefighter. My day consists of 1. Hope everyone remembers their lines, and also 2. Put out fires. And also I have to be as flexible as a somethingorother. Damn, I’m so good at metaphor.

And if I don’t die, I pretty much win The Weekend. Oh, and I get a hoopdie to ride around in. Phat!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

a pic-tcha

I bought a new phone. Here's the first ever pic taken with it:

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Like watching hockey through a key hole.

Dear Sabres: Thank you for beating the Maple Leafs.
Dear Toronto: Neener neener.
Dear VS Network: Okay. I can write a pretty long blog post if I want to, but no blog post could ever be long enough to totally explain how much you buh-loooooow. I’ll cut out my dissertation, therefore, on how you might want to find a commentator with a minimum of six or seven fully firing brain cells, and just leave you with this one simple tip: put one camera in one place and show that shot for the. entire. game.

You know those gymnast/dancers who use streamers in their routines? I think that’s what your cameramen were doing last night. Another network, one we’ll refer to as a “good” network, might have used their audio/visual recording equipment to film the hockey game. Your camera team instead took that same equipment, tied it to the end of a sturdy cable, and swung it around in speedy circles over their heads.

In the rare event you did stick to one camera shot for more than a milli-micro-second, you zoomed so far in on the puck that I couldn’t see who was passing it, much less to whom they were passing. Look, I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to have a blue halo around the puck, and you’re not allowed to zoom in so far that you’re certain your lazier viewers will enjoy this hockey game just as much as they enjoy that goldanged entertainin’ football. I know. It’s unfair. It’s an unfair world, though, isn’t it? But, hey, it’s hockey. Get used to unfair.

Unless you’re Toronto, in which case your loss last night was pure justice.


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

It's a long list, by the way.

To the list of reasons my wife is smarter than me, I long ago added the fact that she knows the difference between "affect" and "effect". She doesn't use it against me as often as she'd like, I imagine.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Pandora Misuse Blamed For Spontaneous Narcolepsy

A sunny afternoon was interrupted by near tragedy at the University at Buffalo this week when one employee fell victim to a poorly constructed Pandora station.

“I guess I just got over confident.”, admitted the employee, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid further embarrassment. “I made a playlist, just like I do every Friday, but today I just wanted to go a little mellower.”

The employee and his coworkers were found minutes later, fast asleep at their computers.

“I learned my lesson. Don’t ever make a playlist with just Emiliana Torrini, Iron & Wine, Nick Drake and Jack Johnson. It’s like that cocktail they use in lethal injections. I mean, I don’t know what hit me. It all just happened so slowly.”

Luckily, the graduate assistants were saved by a quick-thinking intern who was able to change to a Pandora station featuring Ok Go’s Here It Goes Again.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Hey, deez.

Recently, whenever I walk into our bathroom, I see that Lisa has placed a black candle on the toilet. My mind immediately floods with the many things I can say to make fun of her for buying it.

“Did this come with an entire Goth Bedroom Set and you just threw away the rest?”
“That'll go nicely with the black curtains you're soon to get.”
“If we light it, is it black light?”
“Now Hun, we talked about this. The prince of darkness motif is going in the nursery.”
“Does Hendrix play when I flush?”
“You took this out of a skull resting on a coffin, didn't you?”
“My, it smells like the Ninth Ring of Hades in here! Oh, it's a scented candle! Usually bathrooms smell like poop, but this one smells like the Ninth Ring of Hades which I think is much better.”

You know, that kind of thing. But then I realize it's really just a dark purple and my time spent multitasking (peeing and coming up with ways to make Lisa laugh) was only half as prosperous.