Monday, March 31, 2008

League of Extraordinary Children's Cartoon Characters

Let’s say, hypothetically, I was living in the realm of current children’s cartoons, and I wanted to put together a troupe of adventurers. Hey, it could happen. So, since parenting is all about preparation, I need to be ready just in case. I’ve been doing research on Noggin, Nick Jr. , and Disney Playhouse for the last 20 months or so, and I think I’ve finally figured out who would make the best team, if this were ever to happen:

Rescue Pack – he’s is the most obvious first choice for my league. Not only can he turn into pretty much anything you need, but he was actually crafted by the hands of our mortal enemy. Oh, haven’t I mentioned that yet? Yes, Diego is our mortal enemy. Death be to Diego....

Swiper the Fox – he’s a master thief, he can hide pretty much anywhere, and unless you happen to know his kryptonite (shouting “SWIPER NO SWIPING! SWIPER, NO SWIPING!”) you’re about to get something swiped, dammit.

Plex – representing the perfect intersection of technology and magic, this guy could be our experts on all things tech and all things arcane. And he's got a laser.

Uniqua – easily the most prolific of all the legendary Backyardagains, she also has the benefit of her obvious street smarts. Plus, to get her to join my league, I could exploit the fact that no one knows what the hell she is. All her buddies are easily discernable, but what is she? A bug? A turtle? C’mon, freakshow, join our family of irregulars.

Action Fingers – these guys just plain get the job done. Plus, if they can get the invisible remote control away from their handlers, well, that’d be like having Green Lantern’s ring on your side.

Rocket – no team is complete without some form of transportation. The artificially intelligent craft of the Little Einsteins can take the shape of any vehicle. Plus, he’s powered by patting your knees, so high gas prices wouldn’t really slow us down.

Also, SuperGrover’s helmet and cape would have a place of honor in our HQ’s Hall of Trophies.

UPDATE: I wrote this post earlier today and I’m in class right now, trying to put the finishing touches on it, including the hyperlinks. You’ll notice I stopped at Uniqua. This is because I did a google image search for her, right in the middle of class, and lo and behold google brought me some good old fashioned American PORNO. I decided I could wait to search for Action Fingers until I got home...

5 comments:

Alex said...

I dunno about that rocket. I mean, you can't even take off without slapping yourself silly.

Maryface said...

what about boots? even though he is pretty much useless, except for his catchy tunes, he's a MONKEY!

Esther said...

Are you counting the Wonderpets as cartoons? Because if you are, you have neglected to add Ming Ming. How can you have a league without someone to repeately remind you that "This is see-wee-uss?"

Garvey said...

Lisa also said I should have at least one of the wonderpets. I guess they would be useful if we ever needed to find a place to pee.

Scott said...

Uniqua is an ant. A pink ant. Noah figured it out.