At the movies: “Don’t buy popcorn, that’s how they’ll get ya!”
At home depot: “The picture makes this patio furniture look like a five piece set, but you have to pay for the extra chairs. That’s how they’ll get ya!”
At Denny’s: “Don’t buy appetizers, that’s how they’ll get ya! Plus they’re gross.”
I’d call him a conspiracy theorist, but of course, he’s right most of the time. Have you tried Denny’s appetizers? Disgusting.
And, call me an old geezer, but I’ve saved enough money by bringing my own popcorn and soda to the movies that I could now fund the next three sequels to Cutthroat Island.
Anyway, I bring this up because I had the ultimate that’s-how-they’ll-get-ya experience yesterday at Delta Sonic. Lisa and I traded cars for the day and on my way into work I thought I’d surprise my wife by having her equinox cleaned. (That’s not sexual innuendo, by the way, but it sure sounds like it. I do hereby proclaim that, except for this blog post, saying “wink wink, nudge nudge, I bet you cleaned her equinox but good!” is an acceptable way to imply someone else got their sex on.)
Anyway, I made this decision when I got into the car and my eyes began to water from a) trying to see through her windshield, and b) the smell.
Now, this post isn’t about how the wifey allows clutter to pile up. Heaven’s no. She’s the neat one. If it were up to me, the girls would just trade clothes every couple of days until they’re 18. We’d only need two outfits! In fact, her car is dirty because of me. We took it to tailgate at a few different Garvents this past year, and man, the combined stink of bonfire and mighty taco doesn’t give up easily.
So off to delta sonic I went. According to their website, I can get an interior cleaning for 10 buckaroos and an exterior for 6. Throw in a few dollars for tip, read the paper for 15 minutes, bada bing, bada boom, instant husband points earned.
Pftht. Right. As if it were that cheap/easy. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is how Delta Sonic’ll get ya:
1. There is no “menu” to read from until you get right up to the counter, so you have to make your car washing choices quickly while people are behind you and the salesperson is throwing mango-flavored air fresheners in your face.
2. That 10 dollars for an interior cleaning? Ten dollars at delta sonic won’t get a passerby to use a forceful stream of pee to clean bugs from your windshield. Ten dollars is only for non-SUVs and, I swear I’m not making this up, DOESN’T EVEN GET YOU SOAP. Apparently, to have the seats and carpets cleaned (and I’m using the American human definition of “clean” here, which includes frickin’ soap), I have to pay another 23 dollars for the service, and another 9 effing dollars because I have the audacity to drive an SUV.
3. Apparently, according to the cashier, 6 dollars doesn’t really clean the outside of your car either. That’s only there for, well, no one knows why the 6 dollar option is on the menu, but it sure as hell ain’t for people who want clean car exteriors. That, my friends, costs 12 clams, minimum.
4. Yeah that’s right, there’s a fourth way they’ll get ya. During the FORTY FIVE MINUTES it takes the Delta Sonic team to
So, yeah, I was got. And I was got good.
As I left, by the way, they pointed out that I could come back within five days to have my car cleaned for free, so long as I held onto my receipt. Thanks, but no thanks, Delta Sonic. If you think I’m ever coming back, well, you can wax my Aston Martin.