Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Will work for food. (And six figures.)

I haven’t really talked too much about my pending job search, except to say that it exists in some form. And honestly, because of current events in my life (which shall be henceforth known as “Garvents”), to say the job search even exists is overselling it these days.

I haven’t been totally dormant. I actually sent out a lot of resumes last semester, but that resulted in a whole big shitsack full of disappointment. Like just about every industry in Western New York, there are simply few/no jobs to be had.

Lisa will be the first to tell you, though, that The Mike Garvey has never gotten a job by traditional means. (Lisa will be the first to tell you that this pisses her off to no end, by the way. I’ve gotten the greatest appointments ever handed down to mortal man by utilizing a very effective process I like to call “sitting on my ass and waiting for success to find me”. In the past, I’ve gotten better jobs by prancing around like a loon for months and then stumbling upon a lucky network connection at the last second than other, more qualified, harder working members of the community could ever get through all their so-called moxy.)

But of course, the grasshopper is beginning to learn his lesson because while all his little ant friends are out playing Rock Band, celebrating the jobs they’ve gotten for after graduation, he’s sitting home, unemployed, getting the stinkeye from his (incredibly beautiful) grasshopper wife.

So. No more of this nickel and dime shit, says I. Forget about mailing one resume and one cover letter at a time! Forget about picking and choosing through Buffalo’s best firms! Time to pull out the big guns! Time to mass produce! TIME FOR MAIL MERGE.

Last night, Lisa watched on with wide and teary eyes while I tapped out my generic cover letter. She sighed romantically while I then made an excel sheet of 63 Buffalo firms that I would ever consider, no matter how obscure. (I went to each and every website to make sure the name hadn't changed, by the way. Those companies go through managing partners like my daughters do diapers.) Anyway, at the end of it all I had 63 beautiful cover letters, ready to be paired with a resume and sent off to find me a jobby job.

Lisa is swooning. “My hero!”, she’s saying. She’s so cute.

Tonight, we're addressing envelopes (I had to print the labels here at work because my printer sucks), and dropping them babies in the mail. So start those fingers a-crossin’!

Honestly, I would want to work at only a dozen or so of the firms, but at this point, I just need interview experience. If Jerkface, Smelly, Satan and Picholas, PLLC called me in for an interview tomorrow, I’d gladly accept just for the practice.

And once I get a job, I’ll have you all over for a Rock Band party. We’ll make it a Garvent. Maybe we’ll have corndogs.


Esther said...

Jerkface, Smelly, Satan and Picholas, PLLC? BAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

No seriously. I know someone who works there.

Jen14221 said...

Corndogs? Awesome. I'll bring the 12 pack of Old Milwaukee.

Greg said...

Garv, I don't know much about Law interviews specifically, but as a veteran of several hundred business interviews I can offer some general pointers if you're interested.