Friday, March 27, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayFourteen - Curtain Call

I started the Royal Toybox for a few reasons, not the least of which was, let’s face it, that I like an audience. As I’ve said, I like to write, and I like to talk to the masses.

But I also wanted a chance to catalog whatever the hell I was thinking or doing at a particular moment. I wanted my blog to become what (I think) was its original purpose: a “web log”. Okay, yeah, I may not want to remember every time I saw an evil squirrel, but I do like the fact that I can go back and read about Maeve being born, or how I felt when mom went to help New Orleans.

I like to think I accomplished that, at least a little. I have an audience and I’ll always have a diary of these posts.

I mean, you know, unless the internet goes out or something. Man, that would suck, huh?

Anyway, BufBloPoFo is really only tangentially related to any of that. I started it because I was slacking on being a blogger, and needed a kick in the pants to get me started again. Then all these awesome people joined me, and it turned into something really cool—something I’m really proud of.

Speaking of which, to all my BufBloPoFo 09 Participants: CONGRATS! Now, last year I listed all the Completers who made it the whole fortnight. This year, half because I’m too lazy to make up the new completer button, and half because anyone who played along deserves recognition, you’re all winners. Pat yourself on the back, participants. You’ll never know how much it means to me that you joined in.

(UPDATE: Lisa has posted a badge for Completers to put on their blogs. You know who you are. If you Participated, but didn't make all fourteen days, see here for your slightly modified badge.)

To everyone else, I guess this is my “so long” post.

See, I saw a drawing the other day of Calvin growing up and leaving Hobbes behind. It stuck with me, either because this guy loves him some Calvin and Hobbes, or because in the last four years, I’ve grown up about twenty. I got married to my soulmate in 2005. I went back to school and then went back to school some more. I had a perfect daughter and then had another perfect daughter. I stopped caring about Buffalo radio. I graduated, passed the bar and got a job. In exactly four days, I’m buying my first house with my perfect family.

On a side note, Lisa Garvey, thank you for my perfect life. Thank God for you.

Anyway, it’s occurred to me that as much as I love blogging, as much as I love having an audience, and as much as I love being able to catalog my life, I don’t want to miss a second of that life. Besides, Maeve and Addie are a pretty good audience, if you know where they’re ticklish.

So, like Calvin leaving his stuffed tiger behind, as of today, I’m growing up. I’m leaving the Royal Toybox behind. I love this blog and I love what it’s given me and I love everyone who’s ever wasted an afternoon reading about how much Buffalo radio sucks. But I also love my life, and for me, it’s time to go and live it.

Thanks to everyone who has ever told me to write a book. Thanks to everyone who was so kind after my uncle Joe died. Thanks to everyone who hit “refresh” a million times, waiting for news about Addie’s birth. Thanks for being my audience for the last five years.

Now come find me in person… let’s go exploring!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayThirteen

Okay, so I effed this up a little. What I MEANT to say was that you should all go back to the last BufBloPoFo post from 2008 and post updates to those things you talked about. So I should have said go back to the post you wrote one year and 13 days ago. Bygones.

What I wrote one year ago:

I didn’t actually post on 3/26/08, but I wrote this one day earlier. I’m actually kind of proud of that one (especially because Bryan and Marie said they liked it). I did send the letter through http://www.lettersfromhomeprogram.org/, but never got a response. As you can see, I didn’t really expect one.

A funny side note, when the law school set up a table for this program, I was late for class as I ran past it. I thought they were taking entire letters, but apparently all they were looking for was for you to sign your name to a strip of paper that said “we support the troops.” So after class, and after I posted it to the RT, I had to walk up to that table and hand them a three page letter. It might as well have been a copy of War and Peace, as compared to the pieces of paper everyone else was holding.

I played it off like I was all way cool and totally more patriotic than everyone else, but it was pretty obvious I just wrote something without actually seeing what the program was. Oh well. Hopefully someone got a kick out of my dumbassery.

What I wrote one year and thirteen days ago:

A year from now, my life will have radically changed, for better or for worse. I graduate this May, I take the bar this July, and I start a new job this Whenever. By then, we’ll be planning for my Dad’s Super Sweet 60 in Ireland, we’ll have one- and two-year-old daughters, I’ll have lost even more hair (please see previous comment about having one- and two-year-old daughters), and we’ll definitely be living under a roof that we own.

I thank God every minute of my life that everything in this paragraph still rings true (except for the house part, but that will change in exactly five days).

To my future self, please update our readers on these things I currently have going on:

-I bought a lotto ticket today. Did you win?

Yeah, I totally won. I’m blogging this from my golden yacht.

-Today is 3.14. Did you eat pie today? (Get it?)

I did eat pie on 3/14/08, but I don’t remember who made it. This is kind of weird, by the way.

-I took the MPRE last weekend. Did you pass? Did you ever frickin’ pass?

I did. Even though it took me two tries. Bygones.

BufBloPoFo Topic for DAYFOURTEEN

DUDES. One more post and you’ll have done it. You’ll have posted every day for FOURTEEN DAYS STRAIGHT. Or a fortnight, if you will.

So are you sad it’s almost done? Are you going to miss all of your fellow participants? Well, your assignment is to give us a farewell speech. I’m continually amazed that anyone decided to play along with the BufBloPoFo. I say you take it easy tomorrow for your last day and just post a quick “so long” to your fellow participants.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayTwelve

I recently came across a yellowed pamphlet that I couldn’t pass up. It’s called:

You and Your Baby:
A Guide for Prenatal Care, 1949

A booklet for expectant mothers
Published by
The research division of
PET MILK COMPANY
St. Louis, Missouri

Oh you know I’m blogging this. I think my readers need to know what mothers of 1949 learned about motherhood. From, you know, pamphlets.

Now this thing rings in at 43 pages, and then another 7 pages of recipes (all of which, I’m just noticing, call for PET MILK – conspiracy!) so forgive me if I don’t give a review of the whole thing. I only have another 55 minutes to blog today, so here’re a few snippets that caught my eye as I flipped through.

Page 1, intro: "Maternal care has been defined as that attention which it is necessary to bestow upon a woman in order to assure the carrying out of the function of human reproduction in the most normal manner with as nearly perfect a result as possible so far as the parents (especially the mother), the offspring and the future human race are involved."

So in other words: “here are all the things you need to do to ensure you aren’t raising a commie.”

Page 10: "Ignore superstitions. Nothing you hear, see or think can mark or hurt your baby in any way."

What in God’s name were people gossiping about in 1949? “So I says to Millie, I says... ‘Sweetie, you’re in the family way so don’t listen to jazz or you’re baby will come out communist.”

Page 11, discussing embarrassment of a pelvic exam: "To help overcome this, consider that, even though the doctor is deeply concerned with your welfare, you are only one of many whom he has examined and that for him, this is the merest routine."

In other words, ladies of 1949, your vag is boring.

Page 13: "It is well worth remembering that it is the germ cell of the father that determines whether your baby is a boy or a girl."

So blame that jerkhole, just as soon as he gets home from his mistress’s. Also, I was going to make a very funny joke about how my sperm count automatically dropped when the Pet Milk Corp called it a “germ cell”, but then Lisa said that’s actually a common scientific term. Lisa’s a commie for ruining my joke.

Page 19: "During pregnancy you should not gain more than about 20 pounds. Your breasts will increase by at roughly 1.5 pounds."

a) I’m pretty sure THIS GUY gained 20 pounds of sympathy weight when lisa was preggers and b) by talking about breasts that are 1.5 pounds bigger than the status quo, I believe, by 1949 standards, this pamphlet has officially become porn.

Page 20: "Also, it is important that you obtain adequate vitamin D and take sufficient fluids."

Vitamin D?!? You mean like the vitamin D found in... PET MILK? THE CONSPIRACY THICKENS.

Page 22: "Coffee and tea are usually harmless drinks during pregnancy, provided they are not constipating."

Really, moms-to-be of 1949, over-caffeinating your unborn kiddo is fine, just so long as you’re able to poop okay.

Page 29, discussing employment: "If she is doing clerical work she can usually remain on the job up until her appearance later in pregnancy becomes a handicap."

First of all, when did we switch to the third person? Now that we’re talking about employment, did the pamphlet writers of 1949 just assume the man of the house would take over reading? Second, and slightly more interesting, THEY JUST CALLED PREGNANCY A HANDICAP.

Page 30: "Clothing – keep yourself looking nice."

Ah, we’re back to addressing the ladies of 1949 directly again. (Because, you know, those hussies probably just skipped right to this section. Snap!) I wanted to copy this entire section into my post, but this sums it up pretty well. The only way it could be more condescending is if it was followed up by “because your husband deserves it.”

Page 34: "Marital relations are strictly forbidden during the last six weeks of pregnancy. Also, there may be some complications in which case your doctor will advise against intercourse."

...like when your husband doesn’t deserve it, apparently. (Also, six weeks?!?)

Page 34: "In the case of the woman who is accustomed to smoking and does not wish to give up the habit during her pregnancy, there is no reason to believe that a moderate number of cigarettes, say a dozen or less per day, will do her any harm."

Oh man, we finally got to the good page. That’s right ladies of 1949, try to cut back to a little more than HALF A PACK A DAY if you’re really one of those health conscious nutbags.

Page 34: "A cocktail or highball now and then certainly does no harm."

Because, really, what’s the use of smoking 12 cigarettes a day if you can’t get a good buzz on at the same time?

So there you have it, ladies of 1949, if you want to have a healthy, commie-hating baby, just make sure you keep yourself looking nice, and try to cut back on those dirty vices. Oh, I don’t mean vices like smoking or highballs (see our recipe for Mother’s Pet Milk Martini on Page 47!), I mean vices like keeping a job well after you’re so huge we can call you handicapped. Pet Milk: The Milk That Sounds Like It’s From Your Pet, But Isn’t.

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 13

Holy crap you guys! Tomorrow is The Last Day Eve! YOU CAN DO IT.

I was going to finish with this question like last year, but decided I’d use it for day 13 instead. Link to whatever you posted exactly one year ago (or whatever’s closest), and give your readers an update on that topic. If you haven’t been writing for a year, give us a list of three or four things that are going on in your life right now that you’ll want to update one year from now.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayEleven

Who has two thumbs and could not be more boring? That would be this gentleman:


I snapped that gem this morning, right after filling out a cover sheet for my tps report. Okay, my job isn’t quite that banal, but this picture definitely doesn’t show the glitzy, glamorous side of lawyering. Mostly, because, you know, I haven’t found that side yet.

It might be tomorrow. Soon after this picture was taken, my boss handed me a file and said “You get to play lawyer tomorrow.” Turns out a friend of a friend of the bossman has an Unemployment Benefit Hearing tomorrow and needs an Esq to represent him. Guess who has two thumbs, could not be more boring, and gets to try his first case as a lawyer tomorrow? That would be the gentlemen picture above.

If you’re a lawyer and reading this, welcome back to the post. I assume after reading that last paragraph, you spent a good ten minutes rolling your eyes and are just now getting back to the RT. See, non-lawyers, “trying a case” and an “unemployment benefit hearing” is about as similar as shooting bullets and throwing them. Tomorrow isn’t really all that Atticus Finch-ish, but rather I get to sit in a room with a pseudo-judge, my client and his ex-boss, talking about schedules and paystubs and tps reports.

Even still... that gentleman does get to play lawyer tomorrow.

BufBloPoFo 09 Topic for Day 12

Lisa, Maeve, Addie and I had Unkie BAStart and Auntie Outgrabes over for some vino and pastries last night. The girls, happy to have an audience, but happier to have cookies, took their time heading for bed. Parental wherewithal can come from years of childrearing, or it can apparently be pulled from a bag of goodies bought at Starbucks. That kind of knowledge doesn’t come automatically for parents, so for day 12 (three more days!) I want to hear your best advice for those of us raising kids.

Monday, March 23, 2009

BufBloPoFoMonique 09 DayTen

Oh man, I’ve been monkeying around on the internet for about an hour now and it just occurred to me I’m supposed to be blogging. Maybe next year I’ll do a fortnight of monkeying around on the internet. That would be fun.

As for today, I think I’ve granted myself a pass when it comes to heroes. If you want to know what I think of the lass after whom BufBloPoFo DayTen is named, check out my post from last year. Right now, I’ll be willing to bet she’s high fiving Abe Lincoln, her partner on Heaven’s Legal Debate Team. My grandfather will have a drink waiting for her, I’m sure.

So what am I going to talk about then? Hmmm. Well....

My favorite soup is French onion. The end.

BufBloPoFo 09 Topic for Day 11

Holy crap! Four more posts to go! YOU CAN DO IT, PARTICIPANTS. As you can see by my sparse entry above, things are getting a little sluggish. I’ll let up on the accelerator for a day and give us a slow pitch. For tomorrow, follow these directions:

1. Take out your cell phone.
2. Turn it around and take a picture of yourself AS YOU ARE RIGHT THIS SECOND NO CHEATING.
3. Post that pic and describe it. Where are you? Why are you wearing that? Maryface, there’s something in your teeth.

Okay okay, if you don’t have a cell phone with a camera in it, then your assignment is to write a post about what it’s like living in the scary and unfamiliar future world. Do you miss your caveman family and your pet dinosaur?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayNine

So, thanks to Katie for that not at all uncomfortable story. Ha ha. Your stronger-than-me fiancĂ© doesn’t read your blog, right?

Sandy also asked about my fascination with bow ties. A fair question. Actually, it isn’t just bow ties. I mean, if I could, I’d bring back fedoras and capes and spats and... well, no... not dickies.

See, it seems like “masculinity” has come to equal “knuckle-dragging” lately. Like the only way to be a real man is to wear a wife-beater, drink cheap beer, listen to Nickelback and, you know, grunt. I’m not trying to re-define cool or anything, but I like the idea that manliness doesn’t HAVE to be the opposite of sophistication.



That, and I watched a lot of Pee-Wee Herman as a kid.


BufBloPoFo Topic for BufBloPoFoMonique Day (Day 10)

On day ten last year, I found out about a girl named Monique who graduated from law school a year before me. She kicked cancer’s ass long enough to graduate, study for and then take the New York State Bar Exam. She passed away soon after that, cementing her status as one of my all time greatest personal heroes. I regret that I never met her, but I’m a better lawyer today because I know her story. For BufBloPoFoMonique day, tell me who inspires you. Who is your hero?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayEight

Dr. Nic and I met, ah, let’s see... freshman year at Canisius? I know it was early on, but those four years were kind of a blur. You could tell me the magna carta was signed during my undergrad and I might just believe you. (Especially because I was a history major! (Oh snap! (Snap on me, I mean!)))

Anyway, before I was a smartie-pants history buff, which was around the time the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, I was pre-med, right alongside our co-BufBloPoFo-Participant Dr. Nic. So that means we probably met in Hanson’s bio class or Dinan’s chem class (with the uber TA, Tom). In fact, I’m pretty sure we were in a chem group together (along with a very cute Lisa Battaglia).

Anyway, as you can tell from her handle and her blog, she stuck with the whole science scene while my medical career was, well, history. Oo! Oo! I just remembered, I ran into her at a BNL concert too! In fact, there’s my question for you: If you had a million dollars, besides buying John Merrick’s remains for your husband, what would you do?

BufBloPoFo 09 Topic for Day 9

Today’s assignment was to talk about the BufBloPoFo participant below you on the list over there on the sidebar. Today, if the blogger above you on that list was kind enough to ask you a question, answer it! If not, either find a question that was asked of someone else and answer that or, you know, write a post about, um... soup. Look, these topics can’t all be winners, people.

Friday, March 20, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DaySeven

My chosen topic: an entirely useless post on why I write

I like to write. I’m not very good at it on a technical level. My sentences run on and my participles dangle. Stop thinking about my participles.

I like the fact that when I write, I get to show the reader a very calculated version of myself. Maybe it’s my marketing background. Maybe it’s that I’ve always worked better with a script (this guy is no so good at improv). Regardless, I like to convey exactly what I’m thinking, in exactly the way that I want, and writing, I think, is the best way to do that.

For instance, although that last paragraph may seem conversational or rudimentary, I actually re-wrote each one of those sentences at least twice. Had we been talking face to face, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. For another instance, I just looked up rudimentary to make sure it means what I think it means. It does.

I don’t bring this up for any reason in particular. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I’ve been doing a lot of legal writing ever since I started my job, and so far two people in my office (whom I respect) have said that they like my style of writing. I always thought my strengths as a lawyer would come from the fact that I’m pretty comfortable in front of a crowd. I thought I’d be a good Atticus Finch type. And maybe I will be someday. In the meantime, however, I have to say it warms my little lawyer heart that I’ve been able to convey exactly the legalese I’m thinking, in exactly the way that I want.

Also, no one has pointed out my dangling participles, which is nice.

BufBloPoFo 09 Topic for Day 8

Alright, enough of this lazy stuff, time to get those creative juices flowing. Take a look to the right over there and you’ll see a list of the “BufBloPoFo 09 Participants”. It’s pretty, isn’t it?!? Look at them all! Okay, now find whichever blog is below yours and talk about that dude. If you know them, tell us how you met. If you don’t know them, talk about something you read on their site. Whichever it is, end your post by asking that person a question. (That last part maaaaaaay be important later on...)

(UPDATE: this is quickly becoming my favorite BufBloPoFo topic ever. That is all.)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DaySix

Not a lot of time to post tonight, so I’m going to leave you with this. It’s a before picture. That’s right, get an eyeful of this baby, because over the next year it’s going to become something really special. Hell, it’s going to become special in twelve days when we close. Right now, it’s the product of two and a half decades of... not neglect, exactly, but rather a stunning fear of decorating or updates of any kind. Let’s just say it’s a collage of shag carpets and bad wallpaper.

Anyway, here she is. Chez Garvey. Or at least the before picture of Chez Garvey:


Um... after picture forthcoming.

I’ve had a lot of homes away from home before. Each with their own class and their own distinct, you know, smell. Canisius bore the brunt of it, first in Bosch Hall, then in Frisch, and finally at the Village Townhouses. Oh that poor, poor townhouse. It didn’t have a garbage can, for instance. More of a pile, really. Four troglodytes, a well used N64 and a garbage pile.

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 7:

Hey! Look at us! We’re halfway to the finish line! And you, participants, YOU have gifts. No no no, yes you do. In recognition of that, you get a freebie for Day 7. It’s like the center square of your BufBloPoFo bingo card where you get to use those creative participant brains of yours and come up with your own topic. And hey, if I like it, I’ll use it for everyone in week two...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayFive

Okay, this is a total cop out, but I don’t really have any updates from the last time I answered this question. So, let’s turn to the ever-brilliant mind of the internets, yes? According to one o them Which Celebrity Do I Look Like sites, here’s what we got:


What the... What?!? Me, I mean, I would... wait now. So according to the internet, which is supposed to be all smart and shit, I would be played by... Hillary Clinton?!? Well, okay, I see where you’re going with the teeth, but beyond that, I’m going to have to call shenanigans.

“Lenny, this is Frederickson, the head of casting for the upcoming movie about that guy, Mike Garvey. Yeah, yeah, the dude with the teeth. Listen, I’m having some trouble filling the lead role, so I wanted to bounce a few ideas off you. Okay, okay, I’ll start with my top gun. How about we pull some strings and get Hil to play him? I mean, can’t you see the resemblance? UNCANNY. And if that doesn’t work out, well, I was thinking we could teach some hockey goon how to talk and put HIM in the part. No? Okay okay, well, my next best idea is STEPHANIE TANNER. I know, right? It would be BOX OFFICE GOLD, LENNY. Boffo, Lenny! What’s that you say? She doesn’t look good in a bow tie? Well we could always bring in Fred Savage, right? He could use the work. Or, wait, let’s think about this. Garvey’s a young, well dressed, lawyer guy, so how about we give the part to the old bald guy from Lost? Or NO. WAIT. THE FRENCH CHICK FROM AMELIE. GENIUS. If all else fails, we could use that sex symbol from the 50s, or, hell, some random Chinese dude.”

Ironically, I have to end this depressing post here because I need to go watch Lost. We’re watching the season 3 finale tonight and I’m pretty sure some major shite is about to go down on Oahu.


BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 6:

Lisa and I found out today that we got the go-ahead from our bank to set a closing date in stone! I’d love to say that’s like we’ve got a key in hand, but we all know it’s just one more step in the process. Regardless, I’ve had “moving” and “houses” and so on and so forth on my mind all day long now. Tell me about your first home away from home. Tell me about the first apartment you had that wasn’t under your parents’ roof. A dorm? A loft? A cardboard box? Give us a tour.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayFour

Am I the only one to say it? “Erin go brag”?!? Yes? Nevermind.

Today’s BufBloPoFo topic is bragging. I’d love to write here: “Geez, I just can’t think of a single thing to talk about today!” but let’s face it, I’m a pretentious asshole and love bragging. Hell, I’m wearing a BOW TIE RIGHT THIS SECOND. That’s like the clothing equivalent of someone walking around shouting “neener neener” all day.

Here’s a particular favorite:

When I was in high school, back in the days of Netscape and Dr Katz, Professional Therapist, a few of my friends and I got together to made a movie called Nissassa, the Bunny from Hell.

This, participants, was quality stuff.

The basic plot revolved around a rabbit who just went nuts one day and started killing people with sharpened carrots. (Huh. It was the precursor, in that respect, to Shoot ‘Em Up!) Anyway, Nissassa kills one person too many, so the townsfolk call in Del Monte, a renegade, vigilante, loner, trench coat type who pulls the most vicious of weaponry from the guitar case he carries around. Del Monte, however, brings down Nissassa with a spork. Because, obviously, cheap serrated plastic is the only substance that can penetrate evil bunny skin (which we’d dressed in a Hawaiian tee shirt from Amvets).

Aaaaaaaand guess which brag-worth character I played? That’s right. This guy was the Bunny from Hell.

What’s more is that the film’s director/producer/writer took the only extant copy of this gem along with him when he went to college. Apparently, Nissassa became something of a cult classic within the halls of his dorm. It was one of those things that they’d pull out at each party, because, you know, sometimes beer just isn’t enough.

So anyway, not only did I get to be in a film about a rabbit who was killed with a spork, not only did I get to be said rabbit who was killed with a spork, but now every time I see one of this guy’s college pals, I get to be a minor celebrity.

Neener neener!

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 5:

I used this topic last year, but a) we have a lot of new blood for ’09 and b) maybe your answer has changed. Also, c) I’m lazy. Who would play you in a movie? Who would play me?

Monday, March 16, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 Day03

Here are the things I thought about posting for today’s bufblopofo topic:

How To Make A Banana/Strawberry Jam/Waffle Sandwich (lots of butter)
How To Hang Toilet Paper (away from the wall)
How To Beat Dragon Warrior For The NES (just keep leveling up)
How To Make A March Madness Bracket (flip a coin)
How To Lose 40 lbs (stop eating banana/strawberry jam/waffle sandwiches)
How To Not Embarrass Yourself Grammatically

That last one was my frontrunner, because I’m something of a grammar nerd. (Don’t worry – I don’t mind when other people eff up, I just get all clammy whenever I think I might have made some stupid mistake.) BUT THEN, just this morning, someone had to point out that I’ve been misusing “extant” and “extent” for years. Well, the glass shattered and THAT blogging topic will have to wait until I can build up a full head of grammar nerd steam again.

Instead, today, I is going to talk about something that scares the ever-living heebie jeebies out of people: public speaking.

I love an audience. It’s why I was an actor, and one reason I became a litigator. (That, and, you know, a paycheck.) But public speaking isn’t just speaking publically, at least not for most mortals. It’s tough, and there’s a reason it’s more feared than death.

But there is a pretty easy secret that’ll help any orator immensely. Ready for this? Here it is: Slow it. The eff. Down. The first rule to being a good public speaker is to calm down, take a breath, and speak slowly. If you take a second to catch your breath, I know, it feels like an eternity, but to the audience it really isn’t that big a deal. And frankly, they’d rather have you calmly say whatever the crap it is you’re trying to say, even if it takes a little longer to say it.

That said, the other side of that coin is just about as important: Orator, Know Thine Audience. You know how people tell you to ignore the audience, or picture them in their underwear? Fuck that noise. See, good public speaking isn’t just a one way road. It’s a conversation. It’s a back and forth. The reason I bring this up is because it is possible to slow it (the eff) too far down. You need to be cognizant of their reaction, and you need to react accordingly.

Which brings me to my third and last point: practice, practice, practice. “Reacting accordingly” isn’t something you can figure out how to do by reading one post from a dipshit who can’t remember how to spell “extent.” Rule number three is to practice. Practice projection, practice articulation, learn the words to stay away from (I’ll never say the word “particularly” if I can help it) and learn how to read your audience.

And don’t talk while your mouth is full of banana/strawberry jam/waffle sandwich.

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 4:

After I had to pull double duty for Lisa yesterday, I made her come up with a topic for tomorrow’s post. Here's what she sent me:

Mike, for tomorrow, I think everyone should use their blogs to brag about something. And it can't be your kids or significant other because Katie said she doesn't want to read about that crap.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayTwo

First off, to the extent that I can, I echo every word written here. Good stuff.

I had a lot of fun reading everyone’s responses to this question. Interestingly, I note more people glommed on to the sub-topic of “with whom would you eat” rather than “what would you eat”. Hey, I’m all for it. I also note that Bryan included, like, thirty pictures of chicken wings. I think I gained four pounds, just reading his entry.

My biggest problem with this question is that I’m limited by, and I don’t say this often, the size of my stomach. Yeah yeah, laugh it up, fuzzballs, but it’s the truth. I mean, I could say my last meal would be jim’s steak out and mighty taco and chipotle and fat bob’s and duffs, but we all know I’d wimp out into a food coma as soon as I finished my jim’s BBQ chicken finger sub with blue and mozzarella cheese.

Here’s problem number two with this question (who the hell comes up with these stupid things???): I’m full. I just left my in-laws, having been stuffed full of corned beef and cabbage. So as much as I would love to bloviate about jims, mighty, chipotle, bob’s, duffs, etc. my stomach just ain’t in it.

All that said, I know a few things would be part of any perfect, end-of-the-universe, nothing-better-was-ever-made repast:

  • It would contain, among other things, stuffed peppers, MacDonald’s french fries, Guinness, meatloaf, and flake bars.
  • My family would be there, and all my friends. Past and present. And as long as we’re fantasizing, I’d also have time to talk with everyone.
  • There would be no mushrooms or shellfish, because really, those suuuuuuuuck. Oysters, people. I mean, really? They’re boogers in saltwater.
  • Guinness.
  • I had a dream once that’s always stuck with me. No plot or anything, but I was standing in a huge room that I knew was a part of my house. It was like a ballroom with a bar running all the way along one wall. The opposite wall was entirely windows, looking out onto a patio. A raised stage was at the far end. In my dream, the room was in disrepair, but it just felt... perfect. I sat at the bar with Lisa, talking about how we’d fix it up. My perfect meal would be there.
  • Did I mention the Guinness?
  • Every course would have truffles in it somehow.
  • Oh man, there’d be a lot of cheese.

I think that covers all the important bits. There’s more, I’m sure, but a) this post needs to go up and b) like I said, I’m not really hungry right now. And anyway, I listed Guinness, right?

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 3:

If nothing else, BufBloPoFo is a learning tool. Last year, we learned how to load a dishwasher, how to take a leak, etc. Let’s keep that going this year, but instead of focusing on what people are doing wrong, tell me what you think you do right. Walk me through a process. Give me the step-by-steps. Can you make damn good baba ganoush? Can you tie a bow tie? Can you pour the perfect Guinness??? Teach me how, perfesser.

Friday, March 13, 2009

BufBloPoFo 09 DayOne

Oh man, it’s totally on. WELCOME TO THE SECOND ANNUAL BUFBLOPOFO. Can you feel the blogging camaraderie? For the next fourteen days, participants, we are blogging brothers and sisters, united in our desire to pretend that a) blogging is still relevant and b) we can do anything for two weeks straight.

Ha ha, I’m kidding, of course. Blogging is cool and so are you.

Today is Saturday, March 14, 2009. As I sit on my couch this morning, reeling from a quickly growing to-do list, I dearly wish I could limit the number of Big Things Going On In My Life to three.

But then again, now that I’m thinking about what to write here, I’m happy to report that the three biggest things going on in my life (insert bathroom humor here) are all, you know, good. Here we go:

I. Law – in the last year, I graduated, studied for the New York State Bar, took the New York State Bar, passed the New York State Bar, landed a job, and got sworn in. I... I’ve grown up. Oh, no wait- there are monkey pen holders on my desk, so no growing up for this guy.

II. House – the Garveys have become members of the landowning gentry! Or, well, we will as of our closing date, March 27th. Or, well, we will as of our closing date if the bank decides to give us money. Old Man Aichess Beecee and his banker cronies aren’t making it easy.

III. Lost – Lisa and I started watching the dvds and are HOOKED. We just watched that episode from the third season with the spiders and damn, Lisa, please put that baseball bat down because I’m kidding the family is a much bigger thing in my life than Lost could ever be. The family is great. Maeve can count to ten, Addie is just starting to walk, and for the love of Christ, people, watch out for those island spiders.

So okay, my friends! We’re on our way! One post down and a mere thirteen to go!

BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 2:

After my swearing in ceremony, my parents and my in-laws took me and Lisa to Lombardo’s on Hertel. We got to talking about favorite foods, and this next topic kind of stems from that. If you had the power to put together the most perfect, end-of-the-universe, nothing-better-was-ever-made repast, using whatever ingredients you want, and with whomever you’d like as your co-diners, what would you want? Tell me about one little bit, or all fourteen courses. Tell me about venue, about background music, about which box of wine goes best with which flavor of ramen noodles.

BUFBLOPOFO 2009, pre-meeting meeting

HOOOOOOBOY. Who’s ready? WHO. IS. READY?!?

Only a matter of hours between where you stand right this second and the starting gun that will fire tonight at midnight! Then it’s a fourteen day run of posting, a two week sprint of blogging, A FORTNIGHT MARATHON OF BLOPOING.

Consider this your call to the starting block, participants!

As you can see, this year’s adventure comes with slightly less fanfare than the first annual bufblopofo. No lead-up, no advertising, no photoshopping, no Samuel Gompers. Well, maybe there’ll be a little Samuel Gompers. We’ll see.

In the meantime, the theme for BufBloPoFo ’09, to the extent that BufBloPoFos are supposed to have themes, is “makeshift”. I mean, come on. I’m lucky if I blog more than once every century these days. When I was in school, it was easy to commit one ear to lecture and the rest of me to writing posts about how much buffalo radio sucks. Before I had Maeve and Addie, I could daily find a free hour or two in which to talk about stabbing myself with a pen.

Today? No so much.

Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but today, "downtime" isn't so much for "hobbies" anymore as it is for "doing all the things I need to do but haven’t yet because I’ve been at work." This post, for example, was started three days ago.

So I present to you BufBloPoFo 09, Travel Edition(TM). All the fun of BufBloPoFo with almost none of the Samuel Gompers. And, really, like a tenth of last year's effort. Believe y'all me, ain't no one going to be requesting tee shirts and coffee mugs with this year's logo on it...

RULES:
For those of you who are still reading and not running off to read more interesting things, here’s a quick run down of how this all works:
1. the earth completes one full rotation fourteen times, and
2. in that time, we participants post once per rotation. Easy peasy.

Each day I’ll post topics at the end of my entry for the next day’s posts. You can follow those, or, because they are admittedly stupid, you can do your own thing. If you make it the whole fourteen days, you win a car. And by that I mean you win nothing whatsoever except my respect (the cash equivalency of which, let’s face it, is nothing whatsoever).

Below, and also over on the right, there, you’ll see the BufBloPoFo ’09 blogroll with you and all your fellow participants. Have I missed anyone? See any bad links? Shut up. This BufBloPoFo is makeshift, so it's bound to have some issues. (Seriously, though, let me know.)

A Beautiful Life
Automatic Rebalancing
BA Start
Big Bear's Cave
Cultural Cuisinart
DHKA
Erin-Go-Blog!
In Mark's Head
it's a marshmallow world
jen's 14,221 thoughts
Johnny K's Facebook Bloggeroo
Life of a NYC Girl
pat n pat equals me
Paw Prints on the Front Seat
Phoeby and her friends
Playtime at Hazmat
Pretty Bird
Royal Toybox
Shoe Money Tonight
The Fourth Row
The Funny Mom's Blog
The Subway is a Rollercoaster that Takes You To Work
twin elms press
Which End Is Up!?
Whoa Mama

And that’s it! Excited?!? Ready?!? Everyone prepared to hate blogging more than you already do in fourteen days? Well, then...


BufBloPoFo Topic for Day 1:

Let's start it off easy. Hi! How're things? Remember me? Remember when we were blog friends? What's new whichu? For your first day of Blufporbfofoing, tell me the three biggest things going on in your life right now. If you have fewer than three things going on in your life right now, then your assignment is to come over to my house and pack. (Ahem *slacker* cough...)